I can't believe I'm writing this post already. It seems like yesterday I was huge, and at this point in time, very very low. I loved giving birth to Autumn, it was amazingly smooth and stress free. And I literally (thanks to the AMAZING Dr. Cook) got to watch her come into the world. Insane. Surreal. I'm so grateful for that experience. If you want to know the details about that day, the original post is Called Autumn, it's on my blog somewhere;).
Autumn's first year has been filled with lots of fun ups, and some not so great downs, but that's pretty normal right?
It's funny how children are, I'm going to try to not talk about Karis as much, cause this is Autumn's post, so I'll just say this, when Karis was born, she opened her eyes, she told me, not even a day old, and she told me who she was and how things were going to go down. Autumn wasn't and hasn't been like that. She was my "sweets". She just was and is so sweet. When she would cry, she would relax when I calmed her. She breast feed a little better than Karis, she wasn't a huge fan of it at first, but she was able to be persuaded. I think that's the biggest thing I love about her, she's a little easier to persuade, but more on that later.
She was the baby Jesus at our church's Living Christmas Tree. She was amazing. She did it two nights, the first night she was all hair, and eyes open, trying to make eye contact with everyone on the stage and smiling. The second night, you couldn't see her as well cause of how they were holding the blanket, but then when they went to lift her up at the end, the blanket fell down, and she instinctively reached up, as if to touch Heaven. Sheer perfection. The child has acting chops of a professional.
She rolled over at twoish months, she was sitting up at around six month, the crawling and pulling up took a little while, she's not too interested in exerting any more energy on something than is needed. It's so embarrassing to admit, but I can already tell she got that from me. I can remember as far back as I can, and in high school, I would decide after a couple of weeks in school if the class I was taking was a class I could make an A or a B in, and then I would do the amount of work needed to make an A or a B in the class. It sounds so lazy I know, but I graduated high school with honors, participating in extracurricular activities, clubs, and participated in varsity sports, so I don't necessarily think I'm lazy, but I do remember I've always done enough but not necessarily an over achiever. At only a year, I can see that in her. It makes me a little excited to see some traits coming from me, but it's been slow learning her.
At first, because she was a little more laid back, there was talk that she may be a cuddler or an "easy" one. She's not really a cuddler, she loves to crawl all over me, and when she's sick she'll cuddle for that second, but then she's just ready to crawl. She is a busy-body. She loves to be in the mix of things. When there are a group of three or more people, she's crawling over there to see what's up. When I hold her in the hallways of church, she tries to make eye-contact with everyone at the church. She tries to keep up with her sister, it frustrates her when she can't keep up. And then she gets mad. Let's talk about that for a second. Oh my goodness, does she get loud! One night, when she woke up in the middle of the night and was having problems putting herself back to sleep, she was letting us know, Tim turns to me and says, "She's loud." I mean, when someone wakes up in the middle of their sleep and that's the first thing they say, you know you're loud. She gets that from me too. No apologies. She also throws things too. It's too cute right now to see her throw a hissy fit. I mean, she will just take the food, or her paci, or her juice cup and just CHUCK it. I mean, what do you do? Explain to a 11 mo old and tell her that's not how we act out our frustrations? Tell her to use her words? I don't know, but for now, it's cute. Talk to me in thirteen years, then I'll tell you how cute it is.
I will say her health has not been the best. Since about three months old she's had ear infections. At about five months, we found out she has a dairy allergy. I had hoped that switching milk would help with the sickness and ear infections, but she has continued to get sick with colds and such, that eventually turn into ear infections. At about eight months, I got tired of going to the doctor once a month for ear infections, so I turned all momma bear and even though our pediatrician never recommended a specialist, I got an ENT appointment and in two weeks or so, girl friend got herself a fresh pair of ear tubes. It's only a ten minute surgery, but going under anesthesia is never fun for anyone, but she came out like a champ, smiling and making eye contact with all the doctors and nurses.
Boy does this child love to smile. Even when she's in pain. Even when she's being disobedient. She has the biggest and best smile. She cheeses for the camera, well at least my iphone camera. She's not too into photo shoots, which is a shame, but with only two teeth, she has the biggest smile with her two teeth. I love it. I love her so much.
She's not walking quite yet, but she is just starting to pull herself up by herself then just stand alone. And you should see the smile she gives when she is standing by herself. I try to get a picture of it, but by the time I can get it, she sits down. She's so cute though, very mischievous, kind of a diva, but that would make her a Harper girl, so I guess somehow (even though, I certainly don't think I am divaish) Harper girls have diva in the blood. I love that too.
I hope I haven't left much out, I guess maybe you'll want to know if she's talking. Verbal stuff is kind of a sensitive subject for me, since Karis didn't talk until later, and still to this day I rely heavily on the Holy Spirit to help me decipher what the girl is saying. But I guess I'll talk more about that in her birthday blog. I'm trying to temper my expectations for my children in the verbal area. Autumn says, "dadadadada" a lot. I don't do sign language with her, I should, it just takes so much time and practice and my attention span is halved of the amount of time I had with Karis to teach her only two words. You see, meal time involves.... um... a lot when it comes to getting Autumn's older sister to eat, so there is not much time to devote to the Autumn who LOVES to eat most of what you put in front of her (currently, she is not digging pork or carrots... who knows why?) so, I don't know how much sign language she'll learn. She says "mamamama" when she's hurt or needs something. Typical. I guess it's just another lesson I should learn, right? But I guess I need to start going over more things, but she's not really swaying from dadadadada and mama, so like I said, I'm trying to keep my expectations, not as high when it comes to verbal development. I know, I shouldn't treat her the way I treat her older sister, but I had so much expectations for Karis, that it's been hard readjusting. I just want to create an environment for both of my girls where they can be set up for success no matter how fast or not fast they are developing. Sound good to you? I like it for us;)
Thanks for loving Autumn with us. Thanks for watching her grow up on facebook. For liking pictures, and leaving comments. Thanks for the hugs, the kisses. For holding her, because she is NOT light! Nope, she's a chunk-a-roo, and I LOVE it. Serious rolls and a booty, just like both her mom and her dad! When I think about all the family I have who love her, and the church we are currently going to right now, that has just embraced us, and to me most importantly, my children.Who love them, who miss them when they are not at church on Sundays or Wednesday night, brings me to happy tears. I'm so blessed to know my children are loved in such a great depth outside of our family circle. That makes this one happy and at-peace momma. That goes to everyone who reads this blog too, because somehow, you are taking time out to read, and care.
You can do anything for me, but the greatest is when you do something for the girls. Can't help that, it's just who I have become as a mother. Thank you for loving her, and through that, me. You rock.
LA
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Friday, August 8, 2014
Things that Bother Me
Disclaimer: This is coming from my heart right now, so it may be dramatic, but it's been stirring inside for quiet awhile.
This morning I got up and checked my facebook. I decided to give in to all the postings that I had been purposefully skipping about Iraq, and I read one. And now, there are so many thoughts feels, emotions. I gotta put something out there. We NEED to do something, and this blog post is not nearly enough. Changing subjects, and I'll come back to this, promise.
Do you know my greatest concern when I was pregnant and moving with Autumn, was being in a house in time so I could decorate her nursery, just right. And then, one great concern of mine after she was born, was finding a photographer in my price range in order to get newborn pics. These were my greatest concerns. Then when she tuned 3 mo's my greatest concerns were about curing her ear infections, then when we found out she was allergic to dairy, my greatest concern was getting her switched to soy formula. Most recently, my greatest concern was Autumn getting tubes in her ears. A "surgery" that took about, um, ten minutes, and she didn't even throw up after coming off of the anesthesia (Thank you Lord!) These have been my greatest concerns for Autumn's first year of life.
And finally, I'll tell you a story about how one day when Autumn was only a couple of months old, Tim and I took the girls to a park about five minutes down the road from us. And while Tim graciously ran around the park with Karis, Autumn fell asleep in my arms. Just plum felt so relaxed and safe that she feel asleep in my arms. Perfect right? Well, my dumb head had to start thinking about the MILLIONS of babies in the world that will never "fall asleep" in their mothers arms and know peace. I started crying because it starts to feel like, I got lucky, and now Autumn and Karis got lucky. They were born in a land, that is extremely annoying, however still provides peace for them to fall asleep in my arms, in a park.
I started feeling weird about why I obsess over my girls nursery so much. I mean, really, do they even need an uber-decorated room with pictures of them everywhere with a specific color them that is trendy? Do they need hand-picked furniture and a padded gliding chair that had to be re-upholstered for the new color scheme. And, the other day, thank to facebook, I finally figured out why this has been bothering me so much. A photographer went around the world and took pictures of children and their "rooms", and the lucky ones had at least a blanket to either lay on or cover themselves. One child's "room" had chicken wire for walls. Chicken wire, friends!
I have never once worried about a bomb going off in my backyard. Ever. Once time, when I was in high school, Lockhead started doing military drills with whatever airplanes and helicopters they had near our house, it was just scary seeing a military grade anything flying over head, but I knew they would not drop bombs. I do not know what it is like fear the sound of jets flying over my head.
And the babies. Are they all being breast fed? What about the ones whose mother's have died, is there a nurse-maid for them, or is there formula? What about the ones that have a dairy allergy, so they just struggle through that? What about the mothers who are SO young, 12 years old and such who are being persecuted too, and have children of their own? Friends, this is happening today, right now.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a Debbie-downer on your day. But if you can remember the Israelis and the Palestinians, please remember the Christians who are being beheaded (apparently, I have not checked, you can see these things on youtube, don't believe someone who says it isn't happening, a quick internet search can confirm that it is) raped, hung. Our brother's and sisters in Christ. And the babies. They are dying of starvation and thirst. I love you all, and my heart is heavy today. Praying for miraculous salvation people who are ACTUALLY BEING PERSECUTED for their Faith.
Love you all,
LA
P.S. I am also calling my state Rep and Senator today. I live in the luxury of a Republic, I'm going to use that to let them know how much we need to help our friends.
This morning I got up and checked my facebook. I decided to give in to all the postings that I had been purposefully skipping about Iraq, and I read one. And now, there are so many thoughts feels, emotions. I gotta put something out there. We NEED to do something, and this blog post is not nearly enough. Changing subjects, and I'll come back to this, promise.
Do you know my greatest concern when I was pregnant and moving with Autumn, was being in a house in time so I could decorate her nursery, just right. And then, one great concern of mine after she was born, was finding a photographer in my price range in order to get newborn pics. These were my greatest concerns. Then when she tuned 3 mo's my greatest concerns were about curing her ear infections, then when we found out she was allergic to dairy, my greatest concern was getting her switched to soy formula. Most recently, my greatest concern was Autumn getting tubes in her ears. A "surgery" that took about, um, ten minutes, and she didn't even throw up after coming off of the anesthesia (Thank you Lord!) These have been my greatest concerns for Autumn's first year of life.
And finally, I'll tell you a story about how one day when Autumn was only a couple of months old, Tim and I took the girls to a park about five minutes down the road from us. And while Tim graciously ran around the park with Karis, Autumn fell asleep in my arms. Just plum felt so relaxed and safe that she feel asleep in my arms. Perfect right? Well, my dumb head had to start thinking about the MILLIONS of babies in the world that will never "fall asleep" in their mothers arms and know peace. I started crying because it starts to feel like, I got lucky, and now Autumn and Karis got lucky. They were born in a land, that is extremely annoying, however still provides peace for them to fall asleep in my arms, in a park.
I started feeling weird about why I obsess over my girls nursery so much. I mean, really, do they even need an uber-decorated room with pictures of them everywhere with a specific color them that is trendy? Do they need hand-picked furniture and a padded gliding chair that had to be re-upholstered for the new color scheme. And, the other day, thank to facebook, I finally figured out why this has been bothering me so much. A photographer went around the world and took pictures of children and their "rooms", and the lucky ones had at least a blanket to either lay on or cover themselves. One child's "room" had chicken wire for walls. Chicken wire, friends!
I have never once worried about a bomb going off in my backyard. Ever. Once time, when I was in high school, Lockhead started doing military drills with whatever airplanes and helicopters they had near our house, it was just scary seeing a military grade anything flying over head, but I knew they would not drop bombs. I do not know what it is like fear the sound of jets flying over my head.
And the babies. Are they all being breast fed? What about the ones whose mother's have died, is there a nurse-maid for them, or is there formula? What about the ones that have a dairy allergy, so they just struggle through that? What about the mothers who are SO young, 12 years old and such who are being persecuted too, and have children of their own? Friends, this is happening today, right now.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a Debbie-downer on your day. But if you can remember the Israelis and the Palestinians, please remember the Christians who are being beheaded (apparently, I have not checked, you can see these things on youtube, don't believe someone who says it isn't happening, a quick internet search can confirm that it is) raped, hung. Our brother's and sisters in Christ. And the babies. They are dying of starvation and thirst. I love you all, and my heart is heavy today. Praying for miraculous salvation people who are ACTUALLY BEING PERSECUTED for their Faith.
Love you all,
LA
P.S. I am also calling my state Rep and Senator today. I live in the luxury of a Republic, I'm going to use that to let them know how much we need to help our friends.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Who I am currently, at 29.
On the eve of my 29th birthday, I wanted to document who I am right this minute, what I've learned, and have come to grips with, probably after wrestling with is for some years. Hopefully, I can continue to do this every year, to have a good look back.
- While I have finally learned how to correctly apply make-up, I hate putting it on, I only wear the full mask for special occasions
- Currently, I hate styling my hair. About a month ago, I chopped it off, and found a nice gel for people with curly/wavy hair. Thank you Aveda.
-I still love to dress up. Love it.
- There are two types of shoes in my closet, and in my opinion, there should only be two types of shoes: Stilettos and flats. HATE kitten heals.
- Black, White, and Gray. I am trying desperately to get my wardrobe to those three colors. They make me happy and feel sophisticated all the time.
- I believe more and more in spiritual warfare than I did a year ago.
-I believe less and less in coincidence. More like divine interactions.
- It drive people crazy I guess sometimes, but if it's something I have no way of changing, I've stopped wasting my efforts and worry on it. I try to focus my life on things I can affect.
- I literally just learned how to really forgive. Not just like "oh I forgive them" then spend years being bitter towards someone and still bad talking them. Like real unadulterated forgiveness. It's pretty awesome, but hard.
- I've learned how to apologize correctly, sincerely, acknowledging the thing I did wrong, looking someone in the eye and asking their forgiveness. Humbling, but freeing.
- I'm trying to live out Proverbs 15:1, I'll tell you how it's been going next year!
- I love a good party, but what's really nice is then being quiet for the next 48-72hrs. Gotta love being an introvert!
- Me and Tim are the definition of opposites attract. Wouldn't have it any other way, but man, It's been a journey learning how to spread Grace over all our differences!
- Their names are Karis and Autumn, they light up my life, I can't wait to see how stinkin awesome they are going to be as adults. They are going to do some pretty awesome stuff, cause they have already rocked my world in the short amount of time they've been on this Earth!
- I'm not so much into finding happiness these days, but delving in to the deep waters of Joy in all circumstances. It's hard.
- I've never researched a topic more than trying to figure out how to get the post-baby fat off my hips.
- I love helping, being a good supporting role, however I can be for you.
I love you guys lots, hope this was revealing and entertaining for you!!
LA
- While I have finally learned how to correctly apply make-up, I hate putting it on, I only wear the full mask for special occasions
- Currently, I hate styling my hair. About a month ago, I chopped it off, and found a nice gel for people with curly/wavy hair. Thank you Aveda.
-I still love to dress up. Love it.
- There are two types of shoes in my closet, and in my opinion, there should only be two types of shoes: Stilettos and flats. HATE kitten heals.
- Black, White, and Gray. I am trying desperately to get my wardrobe to those three colors. They make me happy and feel sophisticated all the time.
- I believe more and more in spiritual warfare than I did a year ago.
-I believe less and less in coincidence. More like divine interactions.
- It drive people crazy I guess sometimes, but if it's something I have no way of changing, I've stopped wasting my efforts and worry on it. I try to focus my life on things I can affect.
- I literally just learned how to really forgive. Not just like "oh I forgive them" then spend years being bitter towards someone and still bad talking them. Like real unadulterated forgiveness. It's pretty awesome, but hard.
- I've learned how to apologize correctly, sincerely, acknowledging the thing I did wrong, looking someone in the eye and asking their forgiveness. Humbling, but freeing.
- I'm trying to live out Proverbs 15:1, I'll tell you how it's been going next year!
- I love a good party, but what's really nice is then being quiet for the next 48-72hrs. Gotta love being an introvert!
- Me and Tim are the definition of opposites attract. Wouldn't have it any other way, but man, It's been a journey learning how to spread Grace over all our differences!
- Their names are Karis and Autumn, they light up my life, I can't wait to see how stinkin awesome they are going to be as adults. They are going to do some pretty awesome stuff, cause they have already rocked my world in the short amount of time they've been on this Earth!
- I'm not so much into finding happiness these days, but delving in to the deep waters of Joy in all circumstances. It's hard.
- I've never researched a topic more than trying to figure out how to get the post-baby fat off my hips.
- I love helping, being a good supporting role, however I can be for you.
I love you guys lots, hope this was revealing and entertaining for you!!
LA
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Musings of a Stay-at-home-mom: Slowly, all of a Sudden
It hit me today. As I'm holding my oldest, her being semi-asleep as I carry her to her room, she's a lot bigger than I thought. Still bird-boned (that is an accurate description of her bones) still eats about a tablespoon of food to survive (I offer her much more than that, promise), but there she is, although the 18 mo size of her dress fits perfectly, she's getting too tall for it, thank goodness for bloomers. She's just, big.
She runs with expert grace around the playground, faster than some of the boys that are her size or bigger. Climbing up ladders and other playground things that children her age are just trying out. If she was tall enough and her arms could stretch, I bet she'd venture the monkey bars...
As I was taking her inside today, my mind flashed forward to a time when we're coming home from a gymnastics meet, cheerleading competition, (soccer game?), and she's tired and needs to take a nap. I cry just thinking about the child unbuckling herself and taking herself to her own bed.
I'd like to tell you these are tears of happiness that I'm crying. But they aren't. It makes me so sad to think that one day I won't be able to carry my bird-boned baby to bed. And don't get me started on the other one, I'm going to wake up and she's going to be a toddler, and you're going to get another sob-post from me...
I'm terrible at savoring moments. I am guilty of can't-wait-for-this-stage-to-pass-osis. But, not last night, as I laid both of my babies down to bed. Not this morning, as I carried both of their fragile self's down for nap time. Today I'm drinking it in. And it proves to be a sweet, but very heavy drink.
Drink it in y'all...
LA
She runs with expert grace around the playground, faster than some of the boys that are her size or bigger. Climbing up ladders and other playground things that children her age are just trying out. If she was tall enough and her arms could stretch, I bet she'd venture the monkey bars...
As I was taking her inside today, my mind flashed forward to a time when we're coming home from a gymnastics meet, cheerleading competition, (soccer game?), and she's tired and needs to take a nap. I cry just thinking about the child unbuckling herself and taking herself to her own bed.
I'd like to tell you these are tears of happiness that I'm crying. But they aren't. It makes me so sad to think that one day I won't be able to carry my bird-boned baby to bed. And don't get me started on the other one, I'm going to wake up and she's going to be a toddler, and you're going to get another sob-post from me...
I'm terrible at savoring moments. I am guilty of can't-wait-for-this-stage-to-pass-osis. But, not last night, as I laid both of my babies down to bed. Not this morning, as I carried both of their fragile self's down for nap time. Today I'm drinking it in. And it proves to be a sweet, but very heavy drink.
Drink it in y'all...
LA
Monday, May 5, 2014
Happy Mother's Day Y'all
No, seriously, Happy Mother's Day. Ok, let me say it with an exclamation point, even though I really would like to emphasize it with a period... Happy Mother's Day!
I have the privilege of knowing some awesome mothers. We all do. I know mothers who have carried more than one baby during a pregnancy (that's a super human power), I know mothers who have LOTS of children. I know mothers who carry 100000000000 other hats besides just doing this mom gig, which is pretty sizable in itself. I know mothers who home school. I know mothers who have children with some type of disability whether it be physical or mental. I know mothers who have lost babies, of any age. But the thing that unites us most of all is my mother friends love the heck out of their children.
I mean, seriously, you love the guts out of your kids.
I mean, I don't just see it in the way you post 10000000 pictures of your kids on fb, and btw, I'm not one of those who wants it to stop, I want to see your babies ALL the time. It's not in the way you give them organic, home-grown food, or sew their ADORABLE dresses, or even have them in vacation bible school and memorizing scripture. I mean, all of that stuff is far more than amazing.
But it's the way your eyes light up when you talk about them. It's the way that even their burps, and poops are amazing. It's the way you celebrate their flaws and hope that they find themselves just an inkling as captivating as you find them one day.
The way that you ladies fiercely love your kiddos is the way I can see our Father in Heaven love us.
So mother's, Happy Mother's Day. I love you all, and I love how I can see Jesus in you, by the way you love the guts out of your children. Thank you for being an encouragement and model for me in my journey. :)
LA
I have the privilege of knowing some awesome mothers. We all do. I know mothers who have carried more than one baby during a pregnancy (that's a super human power), I know mothers who have LOTS of children. I know mothers who carry 100000000000 other hats besides just doing this mom gig, which is pretty sizable in itself. I know mothers who home school. I know mothers who have children with some type of disability whether it be physical or mental. I know mothers who have lost babies, of any age. But the thing that unites us most of all is my mother friends love the heck out of their children.
I mean, seriously, you love the guts out of your kids.
I mean, I don't just see it in the way you post 10000000 pictures of your kids on fb, and btw, I'm not one of those who wants it to stop, I want to see your babies ALL the time. It's not in the way you give them organic, home-grown food, or sew their ADORABLE dresses, or even have them in vacation bible school and memorizing scripture. I mean, all of that stuff is far more than amazing.
But it's the way your eyes light up when you talk about them. It's the way that even their burps, and poops are amazing. It's the way you celebrate their flaws and hope that they find themselves just an inkling as captivating as you find them one day.
The way that you ladies fiercely love your kiddos is the way I can see our Father in Heaven love us.
So mother's, Happy Mother's Day. I love you all, and I love how I can see Jesus in you, by the way you love the guts out of your children. Thank you for being an encouragement and model for me in my journey. :)
LA
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Pulling up to the Teacher's desk
I'm going to start this post out with retelling a story of a significant event that happened in my life in college that I do not think I have ever told anyone. So, fittingly, I am now telling the world. And then, how God used the Thursday night bible study that I'm in to reaffirm His word for me. But let's go all the way back to my Senior year in college.
As a part of the process of graduating, I had to take an internship, and over the course of the internship, had to pick three supervising professors to tell me what they wanted me to learn about my internship, write a paper about it, and do an oral presentation on my findings. The paper would be reviewed and graded by all the professors, same as the presentation. I had to meet with each professor individually throughout the course of my internship and speak with them on my goals post-college, and tell them of my experiences during my internship. I had to pick a professor I whose class I took and I had to pick a professor I did not take a class with. The one I picked who I knew, was a professor that I had taken at least one of his classes each semester over the course of two years. He was an old, agnostic Jewish professor who was extremely intellectual, and who I had thoroughly enjoyed sparring (read: arguing) with over the course of the past two years. I had come to respect him, and studied really hard in his classes to make A's because I wanted him to know I valued his class and his lectures.
So, I go in for our first meeting, and he asks me what my plans for the future were, and I kind of spit ball my kind of my plans (I had no idea what or how I was going to do anything, since I knew I was going to be moving to Florida shortly after graduation). He sat there and listened, and then just looked me straight in the eye, and said, that I was an incredibly smart woman, with lots to offer, and that I was wasting my talents by setting my bar too low. That I was going to do great things. This man, that we basically had nothing in common, at least culturally, religiously, I mean I guess we were both voting republican at the time, but for incredibly different reasons. He could have just nodded his head and dismissed me. He didn't have to say much to me at all, He didn't even have to waste his time giving me advice. This man who I had argued ( I mean "sparred") with on a regular basis, told me I had talents! And that I was going to do great things! I left that meeting feeling totally confused, deeply humbled and gracious of his compliments, but mostly just feeling lost. How could this person who knew me so little, say I have these great talents, that I'm wasting, currently, and that I was going to do great things? His words have haunted me for almost ten years now.
As I sat in my car one day, thinking about what my professor told me, thinking about my life right now. Getting down on myself, because I had felt like I had wasted my talents. Driving around, running errands, wiping little girls booties (all. day. long), I wonder if my professor would approve of my use or not use of my talents. And what exactly those talents are? It was in my car as I was thinking of the haunting words my professor gave me, that the Lord gently whispered to me, "Why?"
I'm sorry Lord, why, what?
"Why do you keep thinking about this man, and the words that he said to you, over and over, and yet I AM so much greater than him, I know you even better than him, and have spoken SO many things over you, and yet, you don't think about my words over you than his? Why does he get preference over me?"
Oh Lord, I'm so sorry. Oh Lord, please forgive me!
That happened earlier on Thursday, then Thursday night at my girls bible study it was reiterated through the words of the leader, Jackie. She likened it to if you were really passionate about golf, and THE GREATEST person in golf came up to you and spoke things to you, you would listen and you would value those words. But I don't know anything about golf, so when someone talks to me about this "great person" in golf, I kind of nod off and just smile. Sometimes we do that with God, we just nod and smile at Him like we have no idea who He is or what He's talking about. And then she said, "Think of the greatest person in whatever you are passionate about, God is even greater than that person, listen to what He has to say!" And instantly, I'm transported to my conversation with the Lord in my car about my professor.
What a sweet confirmation. That I need to be pulling my chair up to the Lord's desk. To sit there, and maybe tell Him my plans, my thoughts, my desires, my fears, my failures.But more importantly, listen to Him. He has already told me in His Word He has given me promises, He has given me talents, that He knows my future. I need to pull my seat up to His desk and look in His eyes, and hear what He has to say. He is the greatest, He has the words, no one else.
Have you pulled your seat up to His desk? Will you join me?
Love y'all,
LA
As a part of the process of graduating, I had to take an internship, and over the course of the internship, had to pick three supervising professors to tell me what they wanted me to learn about my internship, write a paper about it, and do an oral presentation on my findings. The paper would be reviewed and graded by all the professors, same as the presentation. I had to meet with each professor individually throughout the course of my internship and speak with them on my goals post-college, and tell them of my experiences during my internship. I had to pick a professor I whose class I took and I had to pick a professor I did not take a class with. The one I picked who I knew, was a professor that I had taken at least one of his classes each semester over the course of two years. He was an old, agnostic Jewish professor who was extremely intellectual, and who I had thoroughly enjoyed sparring (read: arguing) with over the course of the past two years. I had come to respect him, and studied really hard in his classes to make A's because I wanted him to know I valued his class and his lectures.
So, I go in for our first meeting, and he asks me what my plans for the future were, and I kind of spit ball my kind of my plans (I had no idea what or how I was going to do anything, since I knew I was going to be moving to Florida shortly after graduation). He sat there and listened, and then just looked me straight in the eye, and said, that I was an incredibly smart woman, with lots to offer, and that I was wasting my talents by setting my bar too low. That I was going to do great things. This man, that we basically had nothing in common, at least culturally, religiously, I mean I guess we were both voting republican at the time, but for incredibly different reasons. He could have just nodded his head and dismissed me. He didn't have to say much to me at all, He didn't even have to waste his time giving me advice. This man who I had argued ( I mean "sparred") with on a regular basis, told me I had talents! And that I was going to do great things! I left that meeting feeling totally confused, deeply humbled and gracious of his compliments, but mostly just feeling lost. How could this person who knew me so little, say I have these great talents, that I'm wasting, currently, and that I was going to do great things? His words have haunted me for almost ten years now.
As I sat in my car one day, thinking about what my professor told me, thinking about my life right now. Getting down on myself, because I had felt like I had wasted my talents. Driving around, running errands, wiping little girls booties (all. day. long), I wonder if my professor would approve of my use or not use of my talents. And what exactly those talents are? It was in my car as I was thinking of the haunting words my professor gave me, that the Lord gently whispered to me, "Why?"
I'm sorry Lord, why, what?
"Why do you keep thinking about this man, and the words that he said to you, over and over, and yet I AM so much greater than him, I know you even better than him, and have spoken SO many things over you, and yet, you don't think about my words over you than his? Why does he get preference over me?"
Oh Lord, I'm so sorry. Oh Lord, please forgive me!
That happened earlier on Thursday, then Thursday night at my girls bible study it was reiterated through the words of the leader, Jackie. She likened it to if you were really passionate about golf, and THE GREATEST person in golf came up to you and spoke things to you, you would listen and you would value those words. But I don't know anything about golf, so when someone talks to me about this "great person" in golf, I kind of nod off and just smile. Sometimes we do that with God, we just nod and smile at Him like we have no idea who He is or what He's talking about. And then she said, "Think of the greatest person in whatever you are passionate about, God is even greater than that person, listen to what He has to say!" And instantly, I'm transported to my conversation with the Lord in my car about my professor.
What a sweet confirmation. That I need to be pulling my chair up to the Lord's desk. To sit there, and maybe tell Him my plans, my thoughts, my desires, my fears, my failures.But more importantly, listen to Him. He has already told me in His Word He has given me promises, He has given me talents, that He knows my future. I need to pull my seat up to His desk and look in His eyes, and hear what He has to say. He is the greatest, He has the words, no one else.
Have you pulled your seat up to His desk? Will you join me?
Love y'all,
LA
Friday, February 21, 2014
Musings of a Stay-at-home-mom: So you're new to this?
Talking to a lot of women lately, I've had that impression on my heart to speak about a subject that is close to my heart, one of the only subjects I'm passionate about that doesn't relate to foster/adopting children (that is whole different post, or blog for that matter), it's when someone, specifically a women leaves the workforce to become a stay-at-home mom, or wife. In my conversations with women, I am finding some themes, maybe something they wish they had known before they left the workforce, so they could mentally prepare, and maybe some advice. I mean, I say "advice" loosely, you can take it or leave it, but it's just things I have learned along they way.
Let me just say this first. Leaving the workforce and coming home had a honeymoon period. Mainly because I quit around the holiday time so I didn't have time to think about stuff. But after the holidays were over, life came crashing down real hard. Things that are real about being a stay-at-home wife/mother.
1. It can be extremely lonely/ isolated. There can be days, or weeks that you don't talk to or see another human being besides or your husband or kids. Unless you are like the 1% of society that is just involved in book clubs, on top of tennis leagues, and committee boards, you are home with just you (or a small minion who may or may not be able to converse with you, and even if they do, it's not adult conversations, I mean, seriously, just today I spent the greater part of four hours answering the question: "what's that?") Grocery shopping turns in to your "big event" for the day. Or going to the dog park, or the playground. You wonder, is this what my life has turned into? Walgreens, then Publix, then home in time to vacuum and have dinner ready? Unless you just hated the place and burned so many bridges when you quit, you start making excuses to drop by the old workplace, just to see people. You are not alone in feeling alone.
2. Unless you are a mother of three, no one will understand why you are tired, you know, cause you're at home all day, what do you do with all your time??? This might be offensive to you, but it's ok for people to wonder that. Because they are rushing at work all day, and then when they come home, they may be rushing all evening until their head hits the pillow. But here's the deal, you DO do a lot. You DO, I know cause I did, and still do it too. I blame our culture. America wants you to be busy All. The. Time. So if you had an extra five minutes this morning to drink a cup of coffee, have some quiet devotion to start your busy day, you are lazy. Don't believe that sack of lies. And don't buy in to, now that you are home you need to fill your day with more activities. I have more on this, but you'll have to skip down to my "advice" section:)
3. In your head you knew your work would go unrecognized, but now you can feel it in your heart how much it hurts that you really get no recognition for your work. I don't think I was the most life-changing social worker in the world when I worked, but I did receive a paper "plaque" that congratulated me on my efforts (and no, it wasn't one of those participation awards where everyone in the unit got it, only two did... out of six... so..ok it was almost a participation award, but still!) And one time I did earn a pizza party (Elementary school style!) I know, you want to be a social worker now, moving on... I don't get plaques at home, Tim is an amazing husband, but he is still human. Your husband (or kids) will have no idea how many hours of wash you do, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, organizing, unless you die. Or are gone for a weekend. Or just a day really. You may know in your head that it was going to be hard, but those pizza parties at work really did keep your morale up! It's ok to miss that friend, you are in good company.
4. There is no such thing as weekend. You don't just stop cooking cause it's Saturday (unless it's DATE NIGHT!!!) You don't just not do bedtime cause you've been doing it all week and now you do not want to do bedtime. Nope, these things, these labors of love, your job, your career as a home-maker, a life-molder, the activity-planner, the GLUE THAT HOLDS IT ALL TOGETHER, never stops.
Maybe there are more truths I've missed, if you have some to add, leave them in the comment section, and we can discuss in another post! But for now, it's late and my caffeine buzz is wearing out. And I don't want this post to get too long or you will stop reading. You know I'm right, don't you? So here is my "advice" or really some Grace to give you about these hard truths:
1. Do not let the devil get a foothold in your loneliness. If/when you get lonely, do not just sit in it. If you are a mother, at the playground, look at the mother next to you pushing their child on the swing, smile, and say "hi." Chances are they are just as bored as you are of pushing their young little tyke 1000 times on the swing, and are hoping for some break in the monotony as well. If you are a stay-at-home wife, join a bible study that meets during the week. Or even befriend stay-at-home moms you know. When I first came home, it was just me, no one to look after, but me, I was pregnant, but it was still just me. I would go to lunch with one of my dearest friend, and while our conversations were broken up by the chattering of her beautiful little toddler, I loved having lunch with her and I know (now from experience) Chick-fil-a is so much nicer when you can share it with someone. Being a stay at home wife mother by definition is isolating, you can't help that, it's in the title, but it does NOT have to be lonely.
2. Just because you are not working, does not mean you have to go find 80 different activities, committees, volunteering, or sports clubs. I guess right now, I am talking to introverts. I have a dear friend, who is extroverted, who is a stay-at-home mom, who does SO many amazing things. And as I started to compare myself with her, I felt God saying to me, "Don't do that! I created her that way, and she is doing what I have told her to do! I didn't create you that way, so don't start stretching yourself in ways I didn't intend for you to stretch". And that was the end of that. Let me be honest with you about what I do during the day. I love on my girls. SO much. Some mornings I sit down on my couch, and hold both of them in my arms (as long as K will allow anyway:)) and we watch a movie together before we go do errands. I run errands, I clean the kitchen, I do the 100th load of laundry for the week, on Wednesday nights I volunteer my help, and am involved in a bible study on Thursday nights. That is it. There maybe is one more extra activity I am praying about doing. But friends, you do not need to fill your days up! Who says that just because you quit a 40 hr a week job that you need to fill in your days with 40 hours of tangible "doing stuff." You be whatever wife/mother God calls you to be, and whatever on top of that you want to do, pray about, but let me reiterate, you are not obligated to some kind of time quota!
3. So now you really appreciate the Hallmark created holiday "mother's day." So you cry at P&G or Publix commercials, cause they really get you as a mother. It's ok to feel a certain pang of pride when you get to stand up in church to be recognized as a mother. Or, for the stay at home wives, when your husband comes home and lets you have the evening off to get a pedicure or just do whatever, you stay out, maybe an extra hour later than expected.. (I wouldn't recommend any more hours, or you might not come back;)) So you pat yourself on the back for getting those bathroom sinks EXTRA white. DO IT! Give yourself a pat on the back. Relish those compliments a second longer before they become pride. But here's the real deal. You came home to be a servant to your family. Whether or not its your husband or a gaggle of children along with him. Find your recognition in the Lord. His approval. His Grace. He is enough. Don't rely on P&G commercials or (as great as he is) your husband to fill you up with recognition to keep going. Look up to the One who always sees you and can fill your heart with more than enough to keep going. And maybe sometime order a pizza and throw yourself your own pizza party... I'm just sayin'...
4. You may not get weekend off, but unless you want to risk a black out and coming to to find your kids staring at you wide-eyed and your husband missing ( just kidding!). You need to block in time for yourself. If it's just a couple of hours to yourself at Starbucks once every couple of weeks, or a pedicure. God was serious about setting up a Sabbath and keeping it. And let's be honest, as a wife/mother you are not keeping a Sabbath (yeah, you're still cooking the Sunday Supper, and making sure the kids go down for their naps, and taking your older ones to choir in the afternoon, that is NOT resting). I remember learning in history, about a time in France, when the people went all anti-God and did away with a seven day work week that celebrated a Sabbath. They changed it to a ten day work week with no day for rest. You know what happened? The people went crazy. They changed it back. Get with your husband and communicate and plan for time off for yourself.
I love you all so much. I hope this was helpful to my friends who are stay at home moms. And as I'm writing, I'm thinking about my working mothers, I hope you are not hurt by this post. If I had experience in working full time and being a full time mom, I would write one as well. My life is not over, and I have SO many years left of motherhood I may get to write a post like that one day! My sincere hope as I write this is to encourage the women I have come in contact with that are coming home for the first time. Praying for Grace and endurance for all of us. Because seriously, moms, you are the glue that holds it all together!
Love you,
LA
Let me just say this first. Leaving the workforce and coming home had a honeymoon period. Mainly because I quit around the holiday time so I didn't have time to think about stuff. But after the holidays were over, life came crashing down real hard. Things that are real about being a stay-at-home wife/mother.
1. It can be extremely lonely/ isolated. There can be days, or weeks that you don't talk to or see another human being besides or your husband or kids. Unless you are like the 1% of society that is just involved in book clubs, on top of tennis leagues, and committee boards, you are home with just you (or a small minion who may or may not be able to converse with you, and even if they do, it's not adult conversations, I mean, seriously, just today I spent the greater part of four hours answering the question: "what's that?") Grocery shopping turns in to your "big event" for the day. Or going to the dog park, or the playground. You wonder, is this what my life has turned into? Walgreens, then Publix, then home in time to vacuum and have dinner ready? Unless you just hated the place and burned so many bridges when you quit, you start making excuses to drop by the old workplace, just to see people. You are not alone in feeling alone.
2. Unless you are a mother of three, no one will understand why you are tired, you know, cause you're at home all day, what do you do with all your time??? This might be offensive to you, but it's ok for people to wonder that. Because they are rushing at work all day, and then when they come home, they may be rushing all evening until their head hits the pillow. But here's the deal, you DO do a lot. You DO, I know cause I did, and still do it too. I blame our culture. America wants you to be busy All. The. Time. So if you had an extra five minutes this morning to drink a cup of coffee, have some quiet devotion to start your busy day, you are lazy. Don't believe that sack of lies. And don't buy in to, now that you are home you need to fill your day with more activities. I have more on this, but you'll have to skip down to my "advice" section:)
3. In your head you knew your work would go unrecognized, but now you can feel it in your heart how much it hurts that you really get no recognition for your work. I don't think I was the most life-changing social worker in the world when I worked, but I did receive a paper "plaque" that congratulated me on my efforts (and no, it wasn't one of those participation awards where everyone in the unit got it, only two did... out of six... so..ok it was almost a participation award, but still!) And one time I did earn a pizza party (Elementary school style!) I know, you want to be a social worker now, moving on... I don't get plaques at home, Tim is an amazing husband, but he is still human. Your husband (or kids) will have no idea how many hours of wash you do, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, organizing, unless you die. Or are gone for a weekend. Or just a day really. You may know in your head that it was going to be hard, but those pizza parties at work really did keep your morale up! It's ok to miss that friend, you are in good company.
4. There is no such thing as weekend. You don't just stop cooking cause it's Saturday (unless it's DATE NIGHT!!!) You don't just not do bedtime cause you've been doing it all week and now you do not want to do bedtime. Nope, these things, these labors of love, your job, your career as a home-maker, a life-molder, the activity-planner, the GLUE THAT HOLDS IT ALL TOGETHER, never stops.
Maybe there are more truths I've missed, if you have some to add, leave them in the comment section, and we can discuss in another post! But for now, it's late and my caffeine buzz is wearing out. And I don't want this post to get too long or you will stop reading. You know I'm right, don't you? So here is my "advice" or really some Grace to give you about these hard truths:
1. Do not let the devil get a foothold in your loneliness. If/when you get lonely, do not just sit in it. If you are a mother, at the playground, look at the mother next to you pushing their child on the swing, smile, and say "hi." Chances are they are just as bored as you are of pushing their young little tyke 1000 times on the swing, and are hoping for some break in the monotony as well. If you are a stay-at-home wife, join a bible study that meets during the week. Or even befriend stay-at-home moms you know. When I first came home, it was just me, no one to look after, but me, I was pregnant, but it was still just me. I would go to lunch with one of my dearest friend, and while our conversations were broken up by the chattering of her beautiful little toddler, I loved having lunch with her and I know (now from experience) Chick-fil-a is so much nicer when you can share it with someone. Being a stay at home wife mother by definition is isolating, you can't help that, it's in the title, but it does NOT have to be lonely.
2. Just because you are not working, does not mean you have to go find 80 different activities, committees, volunteering, or sports clubs. I guess right now, I am talking to introverts. I have a dear friend, who is extroverted, who is a stay-at-home mom, who does SO many amazing things. And as I started to compare myself with her, I felt God saying to me, "Don't do that! I created her that way, and she is doing what I have told her to do! I didn't create you that way, so don't start stretching yourself in ways I didn't intend for you to stretch". And that was the end of that. Let me be honest with you about what I do during the day. I love on my girls. SO much. Some mornings I sit down on my couch, and hold both of them in my arms (as long as K will allow anyway:)) and we watch a movie together before we go do errands. I run errands, I clean the kitchen, I do the 100th load of laundry for the week, on Wednesday nights I volunteer my help, and am involved in a bible study on Thursday nights. That is it. There maybe is one more extra activity I am praying about doing. But friends, you do not need to fill your days up! Who says that just because you quit a 40 hr a week job that you need to fill in your days with 40 hours of tangible "doing stuff." You be whatever wife/mother God calls you to be, and whatever on top of that you want to do, pray about, but let me reiterate, you are not obligated to some kind of time quota!
3. So now you really appreciate the Hallmark created holiday "mother's day." So you cry at P&G or Publix commercials, cause they really get you as a mother. It's ok to feel a certain pang of pride when you get to stand up in church to be recognized as a mother. Or, for the stay at home wives, when your husband comes home and lets you have the evening off to get a pedicure or just do whatever, you stay out, maybe an extra hour later than expected.. (I wouldn't recommend any more hours, or you might not come back;)) So you pat yourself on the back for getting those bathroom sinks EXTRA white. DO IT! Give yourself a pat on the back. Relish those compliments a second longer before they become pride. But here's the real deal. You came home to be a servant to your family. Whether or not its your husband or a gaggle of children along with him. Find your recognition in the Lord. His approval. His Grace. He is enough. Don't rely on P&G commercials or (as great as he is) your husband to fill you up with recognition to keep going. Look up to the One who always sees you and can fill your heart with more than enough to keep going. And maybe sometime order a pizza and throw yourself your own pizza party... I'm just sayin'...
4. You may not get weekend off, but unless you want to risk a black out and coming to to find your kids staring at you wide-eyed and your husband missing ( just kidding!). You need to block in time for yourself. If it's just a couple of hours to yourself at Starbucks once every couple of weeks, or a pedicure. God was serious about setting up a Sabbath and keeping it. And let's be honest, as a wife/mother you are not keeping a Sabbath (yeah, you're still cooking the Sunday Supper, and making sure the kids go down for their naps, and taking your older ones to choir in the afternoon, that is NOT resting). I remember learning in history, about a time in France, when the people went all anti-God and did away with a seven day work week that celebrated a Sabbath. They changed it to a ten day work week with no day for rest. You know what happened? The people went crazy. They changed it back. Get with your husband and communicate and plan for time off for yourself.
I love you all so much. I hope this was helpful to my friends who are stay at home moms. And as I'm writing, I'm thinking about my working mothers, I hope you are not hurt by this post. If I had experience in working full time and being a full time mom, I would write one as well. My life is not over, and I have SO many years left of motherhood I may get to write a post like that one day! My sincere hope as I write this is to encourage the women I have come in contact with that are coming home for the first time. Praying for Grace and endurance for all of us. Because seriously, moms, you are the glue that holds it all together!
Love you,
LA
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