Talking to a lot of women lately, I've had that impression on my heart to speak about a subject that is close to my heart, one of the only subjects I'm passionate about that doesn't relate to foster/adopting children (that is whole different post, or blog for that matter), it's when someone, specifically a women leaves the workforce to become a stay-at-home mom, or wife. In my conversations with women, I am finding some themes, maybe something they wish they had known before they left the workforce, so they could mentally prepare, and maybe some advice. I mean, I say "advice" loosely, you can take it or leave it, but it's just things I have learned along they way.
Let me just say this first. Leaving the workforce and coming home had a honeymoon period. Mainly because I quit around the holiday time so I didn't have time to think about stuff. But after the holidays were over, life came crashing down real hard. Things that are real about being a stay-at-home wife/mother.
1. It can be extremely lonely/ isolated. There can be days, or weeks that you don't talk to or see another human being besides or your husband or kids. Unless you are like the 1% of society that is just involved in book clubs, on top of tennis leagues, and committee boards, you are home with just you (or a small minion who may or may not be able to converse with you, and even if they do, it's not adult conversations, I mean, seriously, just today I spent the greater part of four hours answering the question: "what's that?") Grocery shopping turns in to your "big event" for the day. Or going to the dog park, or the playground. You wonder, is this what my life has turned into? Walgreens, then Publix, then home in time to vacuum and have dinner ready? Unless you just hated the place and burned so many bridges when you quit, you start making excuses to drop by the old workplace, just to see people. You are not alone in feeling alone.
2. Unless you are a mother of three, no one will understand why you are tired, you know, cause you're at home all day, what do you do with all your time??? This might be offensive to you, but it's ok for people to wonder that. Because they are rushing at work all day, and then when they come home, they may be rushing all evening until their head hits the pillow. But here's the deal, you DO do a lot. You DO, I know cause I did, and still do it too. I blame our culture. America wants you to be busy All. The. Time. So if you had an extra five minutes this morning to drink a cup of coffee, have some quiet devotion to start your busy day, you are lazy. Don't believe that sack of lies. And don't buy in to, now that you are home you need to fill your day with more activities. I have more on this, but you'll have to skip down to my "advice" section:)
3. In your head you knew your work would go unrecognized, but now you can feel it in your heart how much it hurts that you really get no recognition for your work. I don't think I was the most life-changing social worker in the world when I worked, but I did receive a paper "plaque" that congratulated me on my efforts (and no, it wasn't one of those participation awards where everyone in the unit got it, only two did... out of six... so..ok it was almost a participation award, but still!) And one time I did earn a pizza party (Elementary school style!) I know, you want to be a social worker now, moving on... I don't get plaques at home, Tim is an amazing husband, but he is still human. Your husband (or kids) will have no idea how many hours of wash you do, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, dusting, organizing, unless you die. Or are gone for a weekend. Or just a day really. You may know in your head that it was going to be hard, but those pizza parties at work really did keep your morale up! It's ok to miss that friend, you are in good company.
4. There is no such thing as weekend. You don't just stop cooking cause it's Saturday (unless it's DATE NIGHT!!!) You don't just not do bedtime cause you've been doing it all week and now you do not want to do bedtime. Nope, these things, these labors of love, your job, your career as a home-maker, a life-molder, the activity-planner, the GLUE THAT HOLDS IT ALL TOGETHER, never stops.
Maybe there are more truths I've missed, if you have some to add, leave them in the comment section, and we can discuss in another post! But for now, it's late and my caffeine buzz is wearing out. And I don't want this post to get too long or you will stop reading. You know I'm right, don't you? So here is my "advice" or really some Grace to give you about these hard truths:
1. Do not let the devil get a foothold in your loneliness. If/when you get lonely, do not just sit in it. If you are a mother, at the playground, look at the mother next to you pushing their child on the swing, smile, and say "hi." Chances are they are just as bored as you are of pushing their young little tyke 1000 times on the swing, and are hoping for some break in the monotony as well. If you are a stay-at-home wife, join a bible study that meets during the week. Or even befriend stay-at-home moms you know. When I first came home, it was just me, no one to look after, but me, I was pregnant, but it was still just me. I would go to lunch with one of my dearest friend, and while our conversations were broken up by the chattering of her beautiful little toddler, I loved having lunch with her and I know (now from experience) Chick-fil-a is so much nicer when you can share it with someone. Being a stay at home wife mother by definition is isolating, you can't help that, it's in the title, but it does NOT have to be lonely.
2. Just because you are not working, does not mean you have to go find 80 different activities, committees, volunteering, or sports clubs. I guess right now, I am talking to introverts. I have a dear friend, who is extroverted, who is a stay-at-home mom, who does SO many amazing things. And as I started to compare myself with her, I felt God saying to me, "Don't do that! I created her that way, and she is doing what I have told her to do! I didn't create you that way, so don't start stretching yourself in ways I didn't intend for you to stretch". And that was the end of that. Let me be honest with you about what I do during the day. I love on my girls. SO much. Some mornings I sit down on my couch, and hold both of them in my arms (as long as K will allow anyway:)) and we watch a movie together before we go do errands. I run errands, I clean the kitchen, I do the 100th load of laundry for the week, on Wednesday nights I volunteer my help, and am involved in a bible study on Thursday nights. That is it. There maybe is one more extra activity I am praying about doing. But friends, you do not need to fill your days up! Who says that just because you quit a 40 hr a week job that you need to fill in your days with 40 hours of tangible "doing stuff." You be whatever wife/mother God calls you to be, and whatever on top of that you want to do, pray about, but let me reiterate, you are not obligated to some kind of time quota!
3. So now you really appreciate the Hallmark created holiday "mother's day." So you cry at P&G or Publix commercials, cause they really get you as a mother. It's ok to feel a certain pang of pride when you get to stand up in church to be recognized as a mother. Or, for the stay at home wives, when your husband comes home and lets you have the evening off to get a pedicure or just do whatever, you stay out, maybe an extra hour later than expected.. (I wouldn't recommend any more hours, or you might not come back;)) So you pat yourself on the back for getting those bathroom sinks EXTRA white. DO IT! Give yourself a pat on the back. Relish those compliments a second longer before they become pride. But here's the real deal. You came home to be a servant to your family. Whether or not its your husband or a gaggle of children along with him. Find your recognition in the Lord. His approval. His Grace. He is enough. Don't rely on P&G commercials or (as great as he is) your husband to fill you up with recognition to keep going. Look up to the One who always sees you and can fill your heart with more than enough to keep going. And maybe sometime order a pizza and throw yourself your own pizza party... I'm just sayin'...
4. You may not get weekend off, but unless you want to risk a black out and coming to to find your kids staring at you wide-eyed and your husband missing ( just kidding!). You need to block in time for yourself. If it's just a couple of hours to yourself at Starbucks once every couple of weeks, or a pedicure. God was serious about setting up a Sabbath and keeping it. And let's be honest, as a wife/mother you are not keeping a Sabbath (yeah, you're still cooking the Sunday Supper, and making sure the kids go down for their naps, and taking your older ones to choir in the afternoon, that is NOT resting). I remember learning in history, about a time in France, when the people went all anti-God and did away with a seven day work week that celebrated a Sabbath. They changed it to a ten day work week with no day for rest. You know what happened? The people went crazy. They changed it back. Get with your husband and communicate and plan for time off for yourself.
I love you all so much. I hope this was helpful to my friends who are stay at home moms. And as I'm writing, I'm thinking about my working mothers, I hope you are not hurt by this post. If I had experience in working full time and being a full time mom, I would write one as well. My life is not over, and I have SO many years left of motherhood I may get to write a post like that one day! My sincere hope as I write this is to encourage the women I have come in contact with that are coming home for the first time. Praying for Grace and endurance for all of us. Because seriously, moms, you are the glue that holds it all together!
Love you,
LA
No comments:
Post a Comment