The house is all packed (ish), calls have been made for cancellation of accounts others switched to the new address, detailed planning and arranging has been made in regards to the children, we are moving on WEDNESDAY! Praise the Lord, no seriously, Hallelujah!
We are moving to THE house, the one with the exact amount of rooms that we needed, the exact type of land and acreage we could only dream about, the exact zoning we needed in order to have goats (those who know me, know how important this is!), the exact amount of money we needed for an amazing renovation that I got to personally redo my new house, the perfect contractor God sent our way, everything is perfect!
And yet, here I sit, anxious, experiencing small panic attacks every once in awhile, nervously pacing throughout the house trying to find things to pack. Just. Nervous....
BUT WHY LaurieAnn? Why are you nervous!? Isn't this the house God promised you? Isn't this the dream you and Tim have been talking, planning, dreaming about for so long? Isn't this the house that some (not all) people said you were crazy to want and possibly not afford to have? Isn't this your PROMISE LAND? What is wrong with you????
And the answer to the last question is: LOTS.
Oh, how the Israelite in me wants to turn around and just stay here (I am not Jewish, Its a metaphor). We have a nice home, with lots of room. Yes, it has more leaks than a sinking boat, I would never pick out probably any of the paint colors, and there is shoddy craftsmanship everywhere we turn, but it suits us just fine, and we can live comfortably here. Why risk it? Why move on? Could it really possibly be better than here? Here is just so, fine, ok, doable. Why move?
What if the cost outweighs the risk? What if things don't work out as smoothly in the new place? And while we certainly don't have physical giants to slay at the new house, certainly lots of spiritual, emotional, metaphysical ones, right? I can't see them, but I know they are there, and my nervous heart beats fast just trying to imagine how in the world we will slay them.
Oh, and here's the last, but maybe most important point: we bought this house. This is a house of the permanent type. There was no signing of the lease, no wondering what we were going to do in two years when our time is up. Nope. Good, bad, or ugly, we stay. That seems so final. It seems so... is it getting hot in here to you? Is it getting harder to breathe?
To say I'm scared, it just one adjective on the wheel of emotions I am feeling.
The big F word is looming around every bend of the venture. What if we fail? What if it is all too much for us? The land too big, the up keep too expensive, the plans to improve and increase fall through. What if the "naysayers" were right?
What happens then?
The plans in our head, in the tiniest recesses of our minds, the most flimsy and weak things in the world, but the things we hold on to so tightly are threatened by every tiny bump in the process of the house buying and renovation.
I do not know the answer to all of the questions. I hold on to the things that God has shown me, in visions, in scripture, in prophecies (yes, there have been those) from trusted friends. But more than those things, because I don't know the timing and am not in charge of the way those things work out, I hold on to Jesus. I hold on to His right hand. I hold on to His Peace that passes all understanding. His Grace that saved me from a life of following my own plans. His Mercies, that truly are new every morning. I hold on to Him. I put my Hope and Trust in Him.
My heart still beats fast, but it will not faint, because I know who holds it.
Make sure you come down to visit the craziness and see what happens! I'm sure excited to find out!