Chariots of Fire

When Tim and I attended First Baptist Church of Orlando, under the encouragement of our pastor, we were encouraged to seek the Lord every year to see what our "word of the year" would be. And even after leaving Orlando, I have continued having words of the year. Last year my word was Joy. And while I learned a lot of lessons of what Joy truly is, and what it is not, mostly of what it is not, I honestly didn't put too much time or effort into the pursuit of mastering Joy. I feel like I mostly hemmed and hawed through the year, going through highs and lows that were ruled by emotions. So, as I had a good year last year, it was not one of spiritual journeying that I would have really liked to have experienced. This year, my word is, well, weird, but I can explain it.



My word of the year is PLEASURE. I know, a lot of times we don't really think of pleasure as something godly, or that pleasure comes from selfish places. But let me turn this word on it's head for you, the quote popped in to my head as I was going to pick up Karis from school.


Eric Liddell: I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.

Most of you may recognize this quote from chariots of fire. Eric Liddell was a devout Christian and told everybody he came across about Jesus. And I think one of those reasons he did was because he was doing what gave him pleasure, and that pleasure was God's pleasure. He didn't overthink it, he didn't reason that running was not preaching to thousands, so it must not be from God. Nope. He knew with most certainty, that he felt God's pleasure running (SO SIMPLE! right?) And so he did that. And doing that opened up SO many opportunities to tell others about Jesus.

I want to do that. I need to do that. I need to feel that sweet spot in life, that when I hit my stride in whatever thing it is, that I feel that pleasure. Almost like a runner can feel the wind against their face. I just want to experience that full pleasure. And that requires me to be a little more active in my life, than just passively looking for that word of the year.

It requires me blogging and telling whatever it is that God wants me to type. Even if I know that only 10 people read what I put out there, I put it down anyway. It means if all I do one day is sit on the floor and play with my children and completely shirk off all other responsibilities. It means if I do straighten up my whole house and keep it in order, because that ministers to my husband. It means helping people when they are in need. It means encouraging others with kind words, even when I think I'm being stupid for saying those things.

It means telling that small nagging voice in the back of my head that is always talking me down off of doing things, to SHOVE IT.

It means I'll stop being afraid of people's judgement of me, good or bad.

It means I may look like a fool and possibly feel like a fool sometimes.

But, if all of that is the small price of feeling God's pleasure.

I'll do it.

I know this is late to the game, but happy New Year y'all!

LA

This Season

Merry Christmas Y'all! I love this time of year, kind of. I really do, I love seeing how you have dressed your children in the cutest Christmas outfits, that match. I love seeing the cookies you are making with your children and your mantles that you have decorated with Christmas words, like JOY and PEACE, my mantle says NOEL, partly because it is such a pretty word to me, and partly because it reminds me of a wonderful friend:)


But the Christmas season is not what I wanted to talk to you about.



And I want to be very careful in not making this about me being whiny, I mean, it is my blog, so it will be about me, but hopefully the tone will not be whiny. I was tempted to whine, but then I thought, we dont need a whine post (a wine post, maybe?) We need an encouragement post. So, here's what I'm going to do, I'm going to tell you about my Season I'm in, and then I will encourage you, I promise!



I just realized I'm in a TIRED season tonight. Physically, yes, kinda, but it's mostly one of those mental, spiritual, emotional tired seasons. Like when your in the middle of a (ok, lets be honest, I've only ever run a 5K, but you put your race here___) and I realized I've given a lot and I've only reached the 1/4 of the race mark... That kind of tired. Like, 'THEY ARE ONLY CHILDREN AND I HAVE SO MANY MORE YEARS AHEAD OF ME" tired, and "I CANT BELIEVE WE WANT TO HAVE A THIRD CHILD AND I WILL BE HERE ALL OVER AGAIN ONE DAY" tired. Like when Karis has a complete meltdown in the middle of my grandfather's singing performance, and I have to get up and leave an everyone is staring, and her angel of a cousin ( who is ONLY 4 mos older) is sitting next to her, perfectly content) This is after I feel so proud about how well she has been doing and how far we've come with her, obviously NOT FAR ENOUGH? Like when K's automatic answer is "NO" to everything. Like when she looks at me and says she wants to sleep in my bed, let me be clear, that's not sweet, that is her little mind working in ways to get out of going to bed. Like Autumn is crying all the time, she has FOUR upper teeth coming in and she is crying all the time, and wants to be held, all the time. Like my house is not as clean as I would like it, Ever. Like I fall behind on planning meals for our family and feel like I'm scrambling, all the time.

I mean, this list could go on people.

I honestly write this, because I have gotten compliments from people (lets be honest two people) on various aspects of my life, and while anyone always appreciates a kind word, I don't want to put on airs, I am not doing too well, friends! Or at least, it doesn't feel like I'm doing too well. It feels like, if this were a baseball game, they would need to call in the relief pitcher. However, there is no relief pitcher in life. Its just me and you, being moms all the time.

And here's where I'm gonna encourage you;

Thank God it's Christmas time! Jesus has come. He does come to give us clarity, not just moments, but pure unadulterated clarity when we are focused on Him! Jesus does give me peace in the midst of the crazy, when I chose to look to Him. And when I've failed (all the time) and I want to just throw up my hands and give up, I feel His Grace. And if I can't feel it, I specifically named my oldest as an Ebeneezer that I will always remember it. His Grace doesn't give a second chance, His Grace keeps you going. God doesn't give second chances, I believe He gives rebirth. A complete new start, new life. And it all started with a baby.

So maybe you are feeling encouraged cause you're like, well things may be bad, but at least I am not as messed up as LA! Wonderful. And maybe you are encouraged because Jesus didn't come to just be a beautiful baby boy resting in a trough. He came to become our Peace in troubled time, our Hope when there is no relief in sight. And our Grace, when we feel like we've messed up too many times. That is where I hope you find the real encouragement!

Merry Christmas, y'all, I love you!
LA

Autumn at One Year

I can't believe I'm writing this post already. It seems like yesterday I was huge, and at this point in time, very very low. I loved giving birth to Autumn, it was amazingly smooth and stress free. And I literally (thanks to the AMAZING Dr. Cook) got to watch her come into the world. Insane. Surreal. I'm so grateful for that experience. If you want to know the details about that day, the original post is Called Autumn, it's on my blog somewhere;).

Autumn's first year has been filled with lots of fun ups, and some not so great downs, but that's pretty normal right?

It's funny how children are, I'm going to try to not talk about Karis as much, cause this is Autumn's post, so I'll just say this, when Karis was born, she opened her eyes, she told me, not even a day old, and she told me who she was and how things were going to go down. Autumn wasn't and hasn't been like that. She was my "sweets". She just was and is so sweet. When she would cry, she would relax when I calmed her. She breast feed a little better than Karis, she wasn't a huge fan of it at first, but she was able to be persuaded. I think that's the biggest thing I love about her, she's a little easier to persuade, but more on that later.

She was the baby Jesus at our church's Living Christmas Tree. She was amazing. She did it two nights, the first night she was all hair, and eyes open, trying to make eye contact with everyone on the stage and smiling. The second night, you couldn't see her as well cause of how they were holding the blanket, but then when they went to lift her up at the end, the blanket fell down, and she instinctively reached up, as if to touch Heaven. Sheer perfection. The child has acting chops of a professional.

She rolled over at twoish months, she was sitting up at around six month, the crawling and pulling up took a little while, she's not too interested in exerting any more energy on something than is needed. It's so embarrassing to admit, but I can already tell she got that from me. I can remember as far back as I can, and in high school, I would decide after a couple of weeks in school if the class I was taking was a class I could make an A or a B in, and then I would do the amount of work needed to make an A or a B in the class. It sounds so lazy I know, but I graduated high school with honors, participating in extracurricular activities, clubs, and participated in varsity sports, so I don't necessarily think I'm lazy, but I do remember I've always done enough but not necessarily an over achiever. At only a year, I can see that in her. It makes me a little excited to see some traits coming from me, but it's been slow learning her.

At first, because she was a little more laid back, there was talk that she may be a cuddler or an "easy" one. She's not really a cuddler, she loves to crawl all over me, and when she's sick she'll cuddle for that second, but then she's just ready to crawl. She is a busy-body. She loves to be in the mix of things. When there are a group of three or more people, she's crawling over there to see what's up. When I hold her in the hallways of church, she tries to make eye-contact with everyone at the church. She tries to keep up with her sister, it frustrates her when she can't keep up. And then she gets mad. Let's talk about that for a second. Oh my goodness, does she get loud! One night, when she woke up in the middle of the night and was having problems putting herself back to sleep, she was letting us know, Tim turns to me and says, "She's loud." I mean, when someone wakes up in the middle of their sleep and that's the first thing they say, you know you're loud. She gets that from me too. No apologies. She also throws things too. It's too cute right now to see her throw a hissy fit. I mean, she will just take the food, or her paci, or her juice cup and just CHUCK it. I mean, what do you do? Explain to a 11 mo old and tell her that's not how we act out our frustrations? Tell her to use her words? I don't know, but for now, it's cute. Talk to me in thirteen years, then I'll tell you how cute it is.

I will say her health has not been the best. Since about three months old she's had ear infections. At about five months, we found out she has a dairy allergy. I had hoped that switching milk would help with the sickness and ear infections, but she has continued to get sick with colds and such, that eventually turn into ear infections. At about eight months, I got tired of going to the doctor once a month for ear infections, so I turned all momma bear and even though our pediatrician never recommended a specialist, I got an ENT appointment and in two weeks or so, girl friend got herself a fresh pair of ear tubes. It's only a ten minute surgery, but going under anesthesia is never fun for anyone, but she came out like a champ, smiling and making eye contact with all the doctors and nurses.

Boy does this child love to smile. Even when she's in pain. Even when she's being disobedient. She has the biggest and best smile. She cheeses for the camera, well at least my iphone camera. She's not too into photo shoots, which is a shame, but with only two teeth, she has the biggest smile with her two teeth. I love it. I love her so much.

She's not walking quite yet, but she is just starting to pull herself up by herself then just stand alone. And you should see the smile she gives when she is standing by herself. I try to get a picture of it, but by the time I can get it, she sits down. She's so cute though, very mischievous, kind of a diva, but that would make her a Harper girl, so I guess somehow (even though, I certainly don't think I am divaish) Harper girls have diva in the blood. I love that too.

I hope I haven't left much out, I guess maybe you'll want to know if she's talking. Verbal stuff is kind of a sensitive subject for me, since Karis didn't talk until later, and still to this day I rely  heavily on the Holy Spirit to help me decipher what the girl is saying. But I guess I'll talk more about that in her birthday blog. I'm trying to temper my expectations for my children in the verbal area. Autumn says, "dadadadada" a lot. I don't do sign language with her, I should, it just takes so much time and practice and my attention span is halved of the amount of time I had with Karis to teach her only two words. You see, meal time involves.... um... a lot when it comes to getting Autumn's older sister to eat, so there is not much time to devote to the Autumn who LOVES to eat most of what you put in front of her (currently, she is not digging pork or carrots... who knows why?) so, I don't know how much sign language she'll learn. She says "mamamama" when she's hurt or needs something. Typical. I guess it's just another lesson I should learn, right? But I guess I need to start going over more things, but she's not really swaying from dadadadada and mama, so like I said, I'm trying to keep my expectations, not as high when it comes to verbal development. I know, I shouldn't treat her the way I treat her older sister, but I had so much expectations for Karis, that it's been hard readjusting. I just want to create an environment for both of my girls where they can be set up for success no matter how fast or not fast they are developing. Sound good to you? I like it for us;)

Thanks for loving Autumn with us. Thanks for watching her grow up on facebook. For liking pictures, and leaving comments. Thanks for the hugs, the kisses. For holding her, because she is NOT light! Nope, she's a chunk-a-roo, and I LOVE it. Serious rolls and a booty, just like both her mom and her dad! When I think about all the family I have who love her, and the church we are currently going to right now, that has just embraced us, and to me most importantly, my children.Who love them, who miss them when they are not at church on Sundays or Wednesday night, brings me to happy tears. I'm so blessed to know my children are loved in such a great depth outside of our family circle. That makes this one happy and at-peace momma. That goes to everyone who reads this blog too, because somehow, you are taking time out to read, and care.

You can do anything for me, but the greatest is when you do something for the girls. Can't help that, it's just who I have become as a mother. Thank you for loving her, and through that, me. You rock.

LA

Things that Bother Me

Disclaimer: This is coming from my heart right now, so it may be dramatic, but it's been stirring inside for quiet awhile.





This morning I got up and checked my facebook. I decided to give in to all the postings that I had been purposefully skipping about Iraq, and I read one. And now, there are so many thoughts feels, emotions. I gotta put something out there. We NEED to do something, and this blog post is not nearly enough. Changing subjects, and I'll come back to this, promise.

Do you know my greatest concern when I was pregnant and moving with Autumn, was being in a house in time so I could decorate her nursery, just right. And then, one great concern of mine after she was born, was finding a photographer in my price range in order to get newborn pics. These were my greatest concerns. Then when she tuned 3 mo's my greatest concerns were about curing her ear infections, then when we found out she was allergic to dairy, my greatest concern was getting her switched to soy formula. Most recently, my greatest concern was Autumn getting tubes in her ears. A "surgery" that took about, um, ten minutes, and she didn't even throw up after coming off of the anesthesia (Thank you Lord!) These have been my greatest concerns for Autumn's first year of life. 

And finally, I'll tell you a story about how one day when Autumn was only a couple of months old, Tim and I took the girls to a park about five minutes down the road from us. And while Tim graciously ran around the park with Karis, Autumn fell asleep in my arms. Just plum felt so relaxed and safe that she feel asleep in my arms. Perfect right? Well, my dumb head had to start thinking about the MILLIONS of babies in the world that will never "fall asleep" in their mothers arms and know peace. I started crying because it starts to feel like, I got lucky, and now Autumn and Karis got lucky. They were born in a land, that is extremely annoying, however still provides peace for them to fall asleep in my arms, in a park.

I started feeling weird about why I obsess over my girls nursery so much. I mean, really, do they even need an uber-decorated room with pictures of them everywhere with a specific color them that is trendy? Do they need hand-picked furniture and a padded gliding chair that had to be re-upholstered for the new color scheme. And, the other day, thank to facebook, I finally figured out why this has been bothering me so much. A photographer went around the world and took pictures of children and their "rooms", and the lucky ones had at least a blanket to either lay on or cover themselves. One child's "room" had chicken wire for walls. Chicken wire, friends!

I have never once worried about a bomb going off in my backyard. Ever. Once time, when I was in high school, Lockhead started doing military drills with whatever airplanes and helicopters they had near our house, it was just scary seeing a military grade anything flying over head, but I knew they would not drop bombs. I do not know what it is like fear the sound of jets flying over my head.

And the babies. Are they all being breast fed? What about the ones whose mother's have died, is there a nurse-maid for them, or is there formula? What about the ones that have a dairy allergy, so they just struggle through that? What about the mothers who are SO young, 12 years old and such who are being persecuted too, and have children of their own? Friends, this is happening today, right now.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a Debbie-downer on your day. But if you can remember the Israelis and the Palestinians, please remember the Christians who are being beheaded (apparently, I have not checked, you can see these things on youtube, don't believe someone who says it isn't happening, a quick internet search can confirm that it is) raped, hung. Our brother's and sisters in Christ. And the babies. They are dying of starvation and thirst. I love you all, and my heart is heavy today. Praying for miraculous salvation people who are ACTUALLY BEING PERSECUTED for their Faith.

Love you all,
LA

P.S. I am also calling my state Rep and Senator today. I live in the luxury of a Republic, I'm going to use that to let them know how much we need to help our friends.  

Who I am currently, at 29.

On the eve of my 29th birthday, I wanted to document who I am  right this minute, what I've learned, and have come to grips with, probably after wrestling with is for some years. Hopefully, I can continue to do this every year, to have a good look back.

- While I have finally learned how to correctly apply make-up, I hate putting it on, I only wear the full mask for special occasions

- Currently, I hate styling my hair. About a month ago, I chopped it off, and found a nice gel for people with curly/wavy hair. Thank you Aveda.

-I still love to dress up. Love it.

- There are two types of shoes in my closet, and in my opinion, there should only be two types of shoes: Stilettos and flats. HATE kitten heals.

- Black, White, and Gray. I am trying desperately to get my wardrobe to those three colors. They make me happy and feel sophisticated all the time.

- I believe more and more in spiritual warfare than I did a year ago.

-I believe less and less in coincidence. More like divine interactions.

- It drive people crazy I guess sometimes, but if it's something I have no way of changing, I've stopped wasting my efforts and worry on it. I try to focus my life on things I can affect.

- I literally just learned how to really forgive. Not just like "oh I forgive them" then spend years being bitter towards someone and still bad talking them. Like real unadulterated forgiveness. It's pretty awesome, but hard.

- I've learned how to apologize correctly, sincerely, acknowledging the thing I did wrong, looking someone in the eye and asking their forgiveness. Humbling, but freeing.

- I'm trying to live out Proverbs 15:1, I'll tell you how it's been going next year!

- I love a good party, but what's really nice is then being quiet for the next 48-72hrs. Gotta love being an introvert!

- Me and Tim are the definition of opposites attract. Wouldn't have it any other way, but man, It's been a journey learning how to spread Grace over all our differences!

- Their names are Karis and Autumn, they light up my life, I can't wait to see how stinkin awesome they are going to be as adults. They are going to do some pretty awesome stuff, cause they have already rocked my world in the short amount of time they've been on this Earth!

- I'm not so much into finding happiness these days, but delving in to the deep waters of Joy in all circumstances. It's hard.

- I've never researched a topic more than trying to figure out how to get the post-baby fat off my hips.

- I love helping, being a good supporting role, however I can be for you.

I love you guys lots, hope this was revealing and entertaining for you!!
LA

Musings of a Stay-at-home-mom: Slowly, all of a Sudden

It hit me today. As I'm holding my oldest, her being semi-asleep as I carry her to her room, she's a lot bigger than I thought. Still bird-boned (that is an accurate description of her bones) still eats about a tablespoon of food to survive (I offer her much more than that, promise), but there she is, although the 18 mo size of her dress fits perfectly, she's getting too tall for it, thank goodness for bloomers. She's just, big.

She runs with expert grace around the playground, faster than some of the boys that are her size or bigger. Climbing up ladders and other playground things that children her age are just trying out. If she was tall enough and her arms could stretch, I bet she'd venture the monkey bars...

As I was taking her inside today, my mind flashed forward to a time when we're coming home from a gymnastics meet, cheerleading competition, (soccer game?), and she's tired and needs to take a nap. I cry just thinking about the child unbuckling herself and taking herself to her own bed.

I'd like to tell you these are tears of happiness that I'm crying. But they aren't. It makes me so sad to think that one day I won't be able to carry my bird-boned baby to bed. And don't get me started on the other one, I'm going to wake up and she's going to be a toddler, and you're going to get another sob-post from me...

I'm terrible at savoring moments. I am guilty of can't-wait-for-this-stage-to-pass-osis. But, not last night, as I laid both of my babies down to bed. Not this morning, as I carried both of their fragile self's down for nap time. Today I'm drinking it in. And it proves to be a sweet, but very heavy drink.

Drink it in y'all...

LA

Happy Mother's Day Y'all

No, seriously, Happy Mother's Day. Ok, let me say it with an exclamation point, even though I really would like to emphasize it with a period... Happy Mother's Day!

I have the privilege of knowing some awesome mothers. We all do. I know mothers who have carried more than one baby during a pregnancy (that's a super human power), I know mothers who have LOTS of children. I know mothers who carry 100000000000 other hats besides just doing this mom gig, which is pretty sizable in itself. I know mothers who home school. I know mothers who have children with some type of disability whether it be physical or mental. I know mothers who have lost babies, of any age. But the thing that unites us most of all is my mother friends love the heck out of their children.

I mean, seriously, you love the guts out of your kids.

I mean, I don't just see it in the way you post 10000000 pictures of your kids on fb, and btw, I'm not one of those who wants it to stop, I want to see your babies ALL the time. It's not in the way you give them organic, home-grown food, or sew their ADORABLE dresses, or even have them in vacation bible school and memorizing scripture. I mean, all of that stuff is far more than amazing.

But it's the way your eyes light up when you talk about them. It's the way that even their burps, and poops are amazing. It's the way you celebrate their flaws and hope that they find themselves just an inkling as captivating as you find them one day.

The way that you ladies fiercely love your kiddos is the way I can see our Father in Heaven love us.

So mother's, Happy Mother's Day. I love you all, and I love how I can see Jesus in you, by the way you love the guts out of your children. Thank you for being an encouragement and model for me in my journey. :)


LA