Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes
When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
‘Til we’re rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, we’re lost in You
Sometimes
Sometimes
It’s like we’ll never atone
For all the love we’ve known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel it come
And that feeling’s gone
It flies
When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there’s nothing left
Let Your healing come
Feel it rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go, we will follow
Where You go, we will follow
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You
We’re lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid
Don’t be afraid
Just set your sail
And risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace
I know, it's so high school/college to post lyrics on your blog. But I just can't get this song out of my head. Mostly because I keep thinking about a lot of people that had a sucky year in 2011. Please pardon my use of the word sucky, but I really can't think of a better word to describe last year for a lot of people in my life. And I can't get this song out of my head without thinking, this is my song too.
We are all irreparably broken, because we are human. We are born into a world with hurts, habits, and hang-ups. We are born into a world with disease, mental illness, and addiction. We crave a cure, we long for someone to come and just figuratively, maybe even literally put a cold (or warm, your choice) towel over our head, wrap us in their arms, and say, "It's going to be OK, I'm right here...and I'll be here when you wake up..."
I am fearful, and I serve a God whose love is like a sea without a shore, it goes on forever. And he controls it with ease, because He is God. I keep feeling that I want to live a bigger life than I have. I want to be afraid, but not of life, to fear God so much that I want to risk the ocean. Don't you? Maybe last year left you feeling like you're never going to heal. Maybe someone cut you deeply, maybe you experienced loss in your deepest core and its almost too much to get out of bed sometimes. Maybe, like me, you feel you know you want to live so much more than you have, and yet the first step off the ledge seems SO terrifying.
There's only Grace. In 2012 let's set our sail and risk the ocean...
Love you all,
LA
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
New Years Resoulution
So, when I was little, for a long time, we lived across the street from my cousins. Too much fun and too many adventures and stories to tell. In fact, sometimes the "new additions" (meaning husbands and wives:)) to the family complain that we tell the same stories all the time when we get together. And maybe we do, but those stories just never get old to me... I digress again! So, for a long time, I don't know how many years, we would spend New Year's Eve at Uncle David and Aunt Debbie's house. They would make "nasty nachos" (they were not nasty, they were amazing, and I may miss them...) and we would watch whatever tv special we wanted to and around 11:00 Uncle David would hand out envelopes and paper and we would start writing our New Years Resolutions. And he would save them, and then we would open them the next year to see what happened. That really has a profound effect on someone young as I was. And I loved it! So, today, I was reading the Joy the Baker blog and she blogged about how she made a time capsule and I thought, "What a great idea, but I am way too impatient for a time capsule..." So then I thought about New Year's Resolutions. Should I bring them back? Maybe when Karis is older she would like to do them? But then again, I don't think that Tim would be behind that. He's not really a New Year's Resolution kind of guy. So then I thought about my blog, and how I have 18 followers which is enough people out there to hold me accountable to my resolutions! So, in the most candid and "putting myself out there on the internet way" I am going to post my New Year's Resolutions, and hopefully I will remember to revisit this post, this time next year... Sound fun?
So, without further adieu, just off the top of my head, these are some things I resolute for 2012 (if the world does not come to an end, and I mean, you really never know...)
1. Stop being a quitter. When life gets hard and things get hectic, don't turn into a hermit. You can take a breather, you can step back and collect your thoughts, but you must not be a quitter. Quitters may never lose, but they certainly never win!
2. Seriously, be a better friend. Call your beloved ones that are out of state, try a text or two every once in awhile. It doesn't hurt anyone to tell them you love them. Especially those you really do love. And call your grandparents more too.
3. Stop being a spontaneous shopper, Target, Nordstrom Rack, Macy's, Dillards, Marshall's... all of it! You don't need any more clothes, shoes, or accessories. Seriously, stop.
4. Love more and deeply, try to love on Tim they way he receives it, instead of the way you do. Attempt to master being a good wife, try that Proverbs 31 thing.
5. Love your daughter, by December 2012 she will be walking (hopefully) savor her newbornness, and stop thinking about ways to get her to sleep through the night. It will happen eventually, and by the time it does, it will be time to have another kid, so stop trying to make it happen!
6. Read more. You are a smart girl, and too good for daytime television. Read some good books. (Would anyone like to loan them to me?)
7. Clean the house more and get a handle on making the meals. Karis is three months old, and will be over a year by Dec. 2012. You can re-enter the wife world and make dinners for Tim. You can do this!
8. This is shameful that this is not #1 on the list, but can we pretend you put it as #1? You asked Jesus Christ to be your personal Savior, you entered into a relationship with the God and Savior of this world, will you start to pursue one with Him? He's been pursuing you your entire life, 2012 is a good year for reciprocity.
9. Have you gotten down to your pre-pregnancy weight? Are you on your way to going past that number (you were a little tubs when you got pregnant...) How many 5k's, and 10K's did you run this year? Remember in 2011 when you were pregnant all year long and you SO wanted to be doing those with your mom and sister? Well, now is the time for it! Do not give up! And deep down inside you know you like the feeling of a good long hard run:).
10. Tim bought you a glue gun, try to utilize pintrist to get a little crafty this year instead of looking at all the clothes ideas on it. While you may have hated making that Christmas wreath, it did turn out pretty and you did feel proud of it. Try to think of ways of being more crafty!
Ok, little one is crying, and 10 resolutions are a good start! I'll be seeing you all in the New Year! Love you!
So, without further adieu, just off the top of my head, these are some things I resolute for 2012 (if the world does not come to an end, and I mean, you really never know...)
1. Stop being a quitter. When life gets hard and things get hectic, don't turn into a hermit. You can take a breather, you can step back and collect your thoughts, but you must not be a quitter. Quitters may never lose, but they certainly never win!
2. Seriously, be a better friend. Call your beloved ones that are out of state, try a text or two every once in awhile. It doesn't hurt anyone to tell them you love them. Especially those you really do love. And call your grandparents more too.
3. Stop being a spontaneous shopper, Target, Nordstrom Rack, Macy's, Dillards, Marshall's... all of it! You don't need any more clothes, shoes, or accessories. Seriously, stop.
4. Love more and deeply, try to love on Tim they way he receives it, instead of the way you do. Attempt to master being a good wife, try that Proverbs 31 thing.
5. Love your daughter, by December 2012 she will be walking (hopefully) savor her newbornness, and stop thinking about ways to get her to sleep through the night. It will happen eventually, and by the time it does, it will be time to have another kid, so stop trying to make it happen!
6. Read more. You are a smart girl, and too good for daytime television. Read some good books. (Would anyone like to loan them to me?)
7. Clean the house more and get a handle on making the meals. Karis is three months old, and will be over a year by Dec. 2012. You can re-enter the wife world and make dinners for Tim. You can do this!
8. This is shameful that this is not #1 on the list, but can we pretend you put it as #1? You asked Jesus Christ to be your personal Savior, you entered into a relationship with the God and Savior of this world, will you start to pursue one with Him? He's been pursuing you your entire life, 2012 is a good year for reciprocity.
9. Have you gotten down to your pre-pregnancy weight? Are you on your way to going past that number (you were a little tubs when you got pregnant...) How many 5k's, and 10K's did you run this year? Remember in 2011 when you were pregnant all year long and you SO wanted to be doing those with your mom and sister? Well, now is the time for it! Do not give up! And deep down inside you know you like the feeling of a good long hard run:).
10. Tim bought you a glue gun, try to utilize pintrist to get a little crafty this year instead of looking at all the clothes ideas on it. While you may have hated making that Christmas wreath, it did turn out pretty and you did feel proud of it. Try to think of ways of being more crafty!
Ok, little one is crying, and 10 resolutions are a good start! I'll be seeing you all in the New Year! Love you!
Friday, December 16, 2011
The Things I Do for Christmas Spirit...
I'm kind of starting a tradition for myself that I don't much like... Let me explain. You see I haven't found that one great thing in my life that I am really, really, really good at. I mean, I can't really pinpoint that one thing that when you're talking to someone you're like, "Oh yeah, you need help with that? Go to LaurieAnn, she'll help you, she's amazing at it..." And that's ok, I'm young, I have lots of life (Lord willing) ahead of me, I feel like if I keep at it, I'll find it.
But anyway, so I do know one thing I am good at, it's not really a skill, it's more like, just who I am. I will try anything once. So, for the past Christmas's, I have been trying my hand at different crafty, domestic type things to do at Christmas time. I feel as a wife, I should try to do something to make the season bright in the Harper household...
So, the first Christmas, I decided I was going to make my own Christmas cards. So I spent, a bizillion dollars at a Stamp-Up party, chose what looked like the easiest card I could figure out to do and made a grand total of I think like 20-30 cards, which wasn't even half of the people on our Christmas list... to top it all off, people were more impressed with Tim's Christmas poem than my card, and most everyone thought my sister (who did these kind of cards a lot and is really good at it) made the cards. While I was super flattered that people thought the cards were so good Jennifer did them, these cards mostly just stressed me out..The next Christmas after that I believe we flew up to Georgia and surprised my whole family by being there on Christmas Eve and for Christmas. Hahaha... good times, that was stressful cause I had to lie to my mother for a week, and I think she even cried one time on the phone, so, while I loved surprising my family, the weeks before hand were hard and also I was a nervous wreck until the plane touched its wheels down on GA asphalt. Then there is last year... last year I baked all cookies known to our family for Christmas. The crescent cookies, the ones with the jelly in the middle of them, chocolate chip cookies, and mom showed me how to make fudge... I felt like I was baking forever. And I felt like I used all the butter in Florida. Now, making cookies was fun, but I also gained about what felt like 100 lbs between eating the cookie dough and eating the cookies that did not make it in tins to friends:). Which brings us to this year...
I decided no crazy baking since I'm trying to drop about four pants sizes and eating cookie batter won't help:) (but it would make me happy). One day, Tim mentioned that he wanted a wreath for the door and he wanted to buy one. Well, that was just not going to happen, no way, I was going to make a wreath! So, I found some pictures in a magazine with some directions, and I thought I picked one of the easier wreaths, skill wise... well, it might have been easy skill wise, but not so much time wise. So here is what it looked like while I was putting together all 100 pieces of this wreath:
Do you see those little rosettes in the picture? Yes, I had to make over 100 of them. That means I cut over one hundred circles in felt, and then I rolled over 100 rosettes. By the time I was on the 5th rosette I was starting to wonder what I got myself into. But after three days of toiling here is what I got:
Not too shabby. But I really can't say that wreath making is my thing either. I really can't say I enjoyed the process nor do I want to go and make a wreath for every holiday. Especially a rosette wreath. So, I tried it! Another thing on my list I can say I have done and have some experience in doing, just not that thing I'm great at! I wonder what stressful thing I will do next year in my search for making Christmas in the house? Ha! We'll find out next year I guess.
And for your enjoyment...
But anyway, so I do know one thing I am good at, it's not really a skill, it's more like, just who I am. I will try anything once. So, for the past Christmas's, I have been trying my hand at different crafty, domestic type things to do at Christmas time. I feel as a wife, I should try to do something to make the season bright in the Harper household...
So, the first Christmas, I decided I was going to make my own Christmas cards. So I spent, a bizillion dollars at a Stamp-Up party, chose what looked like the easiest card I could figure out to do and made a grand total of I think like 20-30 cards, which wasn't even half of the people on our Christmas list... to top it all off, people were more impressed with Tim's Christmas poem than my card, and most everyone thought my sister (who did these kind of cards a lot and is really good at it) made the cards. While I was super flattered that people thought the cards were so good Jennifer did them, these cards mostly just stressed me out..The next Christmas after that I believe we flew up to Georgia and surprised my whole family by being there on Christmas Eve and for Christmas. Hahaha... good times, that was stressful cause I had to lie to my mother for a week, and I think she even cried one time on the phone, so, while I loved surprising my family, the weeks before hand were hard and also I was a nervous wreck until the plane touched its wheels down on GA asphalt. Then there is last year... last year I baked all cookies known to our family for Christmas. The crescent cookies, the ones with the jelly in the middle of them, chocolate chip cookies, and mom showed me how to make fudge... I felt like I was baking forever. And I felt like I used all the butter in Florida. Now, making cookies was fun, but I also gained about what felt like 100 lbs between eating the cookie dough and eating the cookies that did not make it in tins to friends:). Which brings us to this year...
I decided no crazy baking since I'm trying to drop about four pants sizes and eating cookie batter won't help:) (but it would make me happy). One day, Tim mentioned that he wanted a wreath for the door and he wanted to buy one. Well, that was just not going to happen, no way, I was going to make a wreath! So, I found some pictures in a magazine with some directions, and I thought I picked one of the easier wreaths, skill wise... well, it might have been easy skill wise, but not so much time wise. So here is what it looked like while I was putting together all 100 pieces of this wreath:
Do you see those little rosettes in the picture? Yes, I had to make over 100 of them. That means I cut over one hundred circles in felt, and then I rolled over 100 rosettes. By the time I was on the 5th rosette I was starting to wonder what I got myself into. But after three days of toiling here is what I got:
Not too shabby. But I really can't say that wreath making is my thing either. I really can't say I enjoyed the process nor do I want to go and make a wreath for every holiday. Especially a rosette wreath. So, I tried it! Another thing on my list I can say I have done and have some experience in doing, just not that thing I'm great at! I wonder what stressful thing I will do next year in my search for making Christmas in the house? Ha! We'll find out next year I guess.
And for your enjoyment...
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
What Matters Most...
Many of you may not know this, and maybe some do, but... I'm a people pleaser... scratch that, a recovering people pleaser. I've been working on it for quite some time now because for some reason I can't please EVERYONE in the whole world. I just can't do it. So, what I've done to cope is pick a couple of people that I want to please more than others, mostly family and close friends, and then and only then, I give myself permission to not please them all the time either. I'll let you know how this turns out...
So, is it a big surprise to anyone that I really really really want my daughter to like me???? Kind of weird right? I mean, she's literally a baby. She's two months old, cries, poops, eats and sleeps. Most times in that order. But I mean, she can smile now, and there is just something about when a baby smiles at you, and then there's even more something about when your daughter smiles at you. But anyway, I digress. All this to say, I have been struggling with what to do when she cries. There are two theories of thought when a baby cries: one being, do not rush to them, let them cry it out for a bit, you don't want to spoil them. The other being: children are so small (remember, we are talking about a 2 month old here) you can not spoil them this tiny, pick the child up and figure out why they are crying and comfort them.
I have been struggling with this because, there have been people in my life, who I love and respect that have warned me not to spoil Karis and not to rush to her every time she cries. And I respected that advise, and I have tried not to rush to her. And I tried for like a day to have her put herself to sleep and it all just... did not sit right with me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I kept thinking, "Well, you don't want to spoil her... But she's a baby?!? If she cries and I don't come and see what's wrong, how will she know to trust me, that I'm going to be there for her?" And the argument would go back and forth in my mind... So what does a person do when they need lots of opinions on a very controversial issue? I went to the internet to a baby forum. And there are lots of traditional and non-traditional people trashing each other's baby-raising techniques, which you should never do, unless you know a person abusing their child, then, you should get help for the kids... But anyway, one person put up some really freeing advise for me which basically said: Your child will grow up one day and soon enough will be so independent that they will put themselves to sleep and not need you for that, so cherish the time you have with the child...
So freeing, I say that with a sigh of relief. Because, and you might not know this, my love language is touch. I LOVE holding Karis, I love rocking Karis, I love watching her fall asleep, I love picking her up, and tickling her toes and kissing those darn cute pudgy cheeks! I love all of it. Even when she's crying/whaling in my face, I love it. Admittedly accept when I'm tired, but I'm working on it:). So, I guess you could say I want to spoil my daughter. I want to rock her, and pick her up when she cries, and I want her to know that her mommy will be there for her, even if I can't do a thing to help her, I'll rock her as she cries herself to sleep.
And I'll do it as often as I can cause one day, I'll be watching tv and she'll tell me goodnight and then go climb into bed and I won't have to do a thing. And I know that I won't be thinking, "Man, I am SO glad I taught her how to not need me at a young age." No, my personality is going to long for every second of this baby's life that I got to rock her and hold her, and sing (possibly off key) to her.
So today, Karis is tired and she's crying cause she can't do anything else, and I'm dancing to my Just Dance on the Wii. And I realize that she's not going to be working through this cry, so all hot and sweaty I pick my little peanut up and take her to the rocker and speak sweet nothings and prayers over her as she just cries to sleep. And then she closes her eyes... and she's at peace... and then she opens her eyes and smiles at me... and then I'm done. Maybe my daughter will be spoiled a bit longer than others, and maybe you disapprove of me picking her up all the time, but that's ok. I can't please everyone's opinions about what I should do as a mother.
Cause what really matters was looking into my daughters eyes and having her know that her momma will hold her even if I can't do a thing for her, i'll be the one to rock her as she goes:).
Look forward to telling you more of my silly learning mistakes and milestones as I go along!
So, is it a big surprise to anyone that I really really really want my daughter to like me???? Kind of weird right? I mean, she's literally a baby. She's two months old, cries, poops, eats and sleeps. Most times in that order. But I mean, she can smile now, and there is just something about when a baby smiles at you, and then there's even more something about when your daughter smiles at you. But anyway, I digress. All this to say, I have been struggling with what to do when she cries. There are two theories of thought when a baby cries: one being, do not rush to them, let them cry it out for a bit, you don't want to spoil them. The other being: children are so small (remember, we are talking about a 2 month old here) you can not spoil them this tiny, pick the child up and figure out why they are crying and comfort them.
I have been struggling with this because, there have been people in my life, who I love and respect that have warned me not to spoil Karis and not to rush to her every time she cries. And I respected that advise, and I have tried not to rush to her. And I tried for like a day to have her put herself to sleep and it all just... did not sit right with me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I kept thinking, "Well, you don't want to spoil her... But she's a baby?!? If she cries and I don't come and see what's wrong, how will she know to trust me, that I'm going to be there for her?" And the argument would go back and forth in my mind... So what does a person do when they need lots of opinions on a very controversial issue? I went to the internet to a baby forum. And there are lots of traditional and non-traditional people trashing each other's baby-raising techniques, which you should never do, unless you know a person abusing their child, then, you should get help for the kids... But anyway, one person put up some really freeing advise for me which basically said: Your child will grow up one day and soon enough will be so independent that they will put themselves to sleep and not need you for that, so cherish the time you have with the child...
So freeing, I say that with a sigh of relief. Because, and you might not know this, my love language is touch. I LOVE holding Karis, I love rocking Karis, I love watching her fall asleep, I love picking her up, and tickling her toes and kissing those darn cute pudgy cheeks! I love all of it. Even when she's crying/whaling in my face, I love it. Admittedly accept when I'm tired, but I'm working on it:). So, I guess you could say I want to spoil my daughter. I want to rock her, and pick her up when she cries, and I want her to know that her mommy will be there for her, even if I can't do a thing to help her, I'll rock her as she cries herself to sleep.
And I'll do it as often as I can cause one day, I'll be watching tv and she'll tell me goodnight and then go climb into bed and I won't have to do a thing. And I know that I won't be thinking, "Man, I am SO glad I taught her how to not need me at a young age." No, my personality is going to long for every second of this baby's life that I got to rock her and hold her, and sing (possibly off key) to her.
So today, Karis is tired and she's crying cause she can't do anything else, and I'm dancing to my Just Dance on the Wii. And I realize that she's not going to be working through this cry, so all hot and sweaty I pick my little peanut up and take her to the rocker and speak sweet nothings and prayers over her as she just cries to sleep. And then she closes her eyes... and she's at peace... and then she opens her eyes and smiles at me... and then I'm done. Maybe my daughter will be spoiled a bit longer than others, and maybe you disapprove of me picking her up all the time, but that's ok. I can't please everyone's opinions about what I should do as a mother.
Cause what really matters was looking into my daughters eyes and having her know that her momma will hold her even if I can't do a thing for her, i'll be the one to rock her as she goes:).
Look forward to telling you more of my silly learning mistakes and milestones as I go along!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
A Baby Story
So, as I have a few moments to type on the computer, I have decided that the hormones have leveled off enough and I have just enough time before she needs to eat to tell you about the day Karis was born:). Yeah!:)
So, it really all started on Wednesday that I decided I wanted to walk around a giant super target and look at EVERYTHING for almost an hour, it was so much fun that I started to contract... And hence the rest of the night I went back and forth with, "Was that a contraction? It didn't hurt... Lets just see if it happens again... Well, it did happen again, but it's still not hurting... Is it a Braxton Hicks contraction??? Wait... that hurt! a little..." That happened for like all of Wednesday night. I thought about taking a shower, but I have known too many people who took showers and the contractions stopped, and I was bound and determined to get this ball rolling, so... I decided to continue down this path stinky.
Around 11:30 on Wednesday night I started timing the contractions. They started out 15 minutes apart and then went down to 10 minutes, held there for awhile, then went down to five. By 2:30 in the morning when they were steadily at 5 minutes, I took a deep breath and woke up Tim. Now, for those of you who do not know Tim, he's like probably most of the population and that he is not perfect when you wake him up from a deep sleep. I can personally say, he is working on it. At 2:30 though, Tim informed me that this was not apart of his plan to for me to give birth so early in the morning and that we need to continue to time the contractions, and then we went back to sleep... Now, I know that this may seem insensitive, but in hindsight I'm actually grateful that he made me continue timing them because had we gone to the hospital so soon, I probably would have been turned away in triage, which was my WORST nightmare. So, I sat on my exercise ball, and watched TV shows on hulu and timed my contractions on my Iphone.
I had been texting my mom since 11:30, and she would check in with me like every hour, and finally around 6:00 she said she couldn't take it and was packing her bag to come to Florida, with my dad and sister... No pressure, really... now I just have to make sure I pop out a baby in the next 24 hours... Easily done, right?
At six, Tim woke up and we went for a loooooooooooong walk around our neighborhood where I was able to get the contractions down to three minutes apart. When we got home, Tim packed the car for what seemed like a million years, it wasn't but when you want to go to the hospital, a minute does seem like a thousand years. I called my doctor and told them what was up and they green- lighted me to go to the hospital. It was go time...
Until we got into the hospital, I went to triage, filled out forms then was laying on the bed, and my contractions STOPPED dead in their tracks. And the triage nurse checked me and I was only 3cm dilated. It's technically the hospital's policy to make you go home until you reach 4cm's. So, needless to say I was unhappy and praying my head off for some big contractions. (p.s. if you have not had a baby, I do not recommend you EVER praying to God to send you big contractions unless you really, really, really, want them) God answered my prayer. They came back in a big way in the Triage, and my wonderful, beautiful, amazing midwife, Andrea, came in looked me in the eye and said, "You are going to have your baby today!" Love, love, love those words! So, then we preceded to wait for what seemed like a millions more years for a room in Labor and Delivery to open. It really is kind of a weird feeling just sitting around, breathing through contractions waiting for a room to have your baby.
So, we get in Labor and Delivery and it feels like I have to tell like a million people that yes, in fact, I DO want an epidural. I mean, I understand policy, I was a case manager, I understand having to ask dumb questions a million times because one time a person died and their family sued and so now you have to ask these questions. But seriously, I feel like I told EVERYONE that I wanted an epidural. But first, they broke my water. And Tim watched! And the look on his face was priceless, and he's like, "She's going to bleed more than this?" And Andrea's like, "You haven't seen anything yet." And then she tells Tim every hour to eat!! So funny!! I think she might have been scared for him after he looked at my water being broken:). So, contractions get for real serious after your water breaks. And then I'm like, yes, please, for the love of all things Holy, please please please, get me the epidural, and I will love everyone forever!! So, they come in and give me what I requested, it's called a walking epidural. It's like not as strong medicine and helps with the aches and pains of the stronger contractions. Cool thing about this is, if you decide you want the stronger stuff, the needle is already in there, so they just bring in the stronger medicine and your good to go. Which, by the time I was 6cm dilated, when I was having contractions my face was "turning purple" according to my mom and sister. I'll get to them showing up in the next paragraph. So, I asked for the stronger stuff... Let me tell you, nothing feels so good as feeling the coolness of numbness running down your spine while you are contracting. Thank you Lord for making people who found out about epidurals, I love them.
So, mom and sis and dad arrive when I'm around 5cm's dilated. It was so good to see them, but so not good to know they had 4Rivers bar-b-q for lunch, and that I could not eat until much later after giving birth. Mom and my sister stayed with me up until my first practice push. It was very reassuring to have them in the room. Having them encourage me, give me helpful tips, and even my mom telling me that I was shaking from my epidural, which I could not figure out why I was shaking... So glad that they were both there. Because between me and all you on the internet, I was kind of freaking out that I was about to have a baby.
Finally, at about 5:30, Andrea comes in and checks me. She says, "I'm coming back in thirty minutes, and we are going to have this baby..." So, she comes back in thirty minutes, and I am moved into the birthing position and given an oxygen mask. Tim has to hold one of my legs, and we start to push. It was not very long, but it just felt like I was pushing for no reason, they kept telling me I was doing good, but I still felt this little girl in my body! Finally she got so low, that they were able to put a heart monitor on the top of her head, because she was too low to monitor my heart from the monitors that were on my belly. The new monitor had her heart sound like a door knock, which was strangely refreshing to hear while I was pushing. One scary moment happened as I had just finished pushing, and the "door knock" sound stopped. I looked up and Tim, who was looking at Andrea, who was looking at my contraction monitor. She said, "Wait for it.." And the "door knock" sound came back. Finally, the final pushes came, and I was SO excited, tired, relieved, scared... all of the above. (Side note, little one came out with her umbilical cord rapped around her head, which is why her heart stopped momentarily while coming through the birth canal). As she came out, and I heard her first cries, my heart literally burst. That is the only way I know how to describe how I felt the first time I heard and then saw her. Then comes the surprise... This entire time Tim and I could have sworn we were having a boy, I felt certain that we were having a boy... Tim looks up at me and says, "Meet our baby girl, Karis." Wow... I was not shocked then, I was in love as my beautiful girl curled up on my chest while they were getting the rest of the "stuff" out of me, and Tim was taking pictures like crazy. I just was in so much love. So beautiful to finally have the missing piece of the puzzle nuzzled right up under my chin. I was so nervous that she wouldn't respond to me, or love me like I loved her. But as I tried to calm her crying, she seemed to quiet at my voice. Makes me tear up thinking about it. And as soon as she was out and on me, they soon whisked her away to be cleaned, weighed, checked out, all that good stuff.
After she was taken out for a second, I just looked at Tim... We have a girl!! Oh goodness, we have a girl... That is all I was thinking for the most part. We are now considering owning a gun! jk, kind of...
So, there are so many more stories and thoughts I have one Karis, on being a mom, on hormones, and sleep, but there is no time, little girl is stirring and she does not like to wait for food. I just wanted you to be able to read this so I can hopefully have time in the future to write more about all my thoughts and feelings in this short time. Love you all...
So, it really all started on Wednesday that I decided I wanted to walk around a giant super target and look at EVERYTHING for almost an hour, it was so much fun that I started to contract... And hence the rest of the night I went back and forth with, "Was that a contraction? It didn't hurt... Lets just see if it happens again... Well, it did happen again, but it's still not hurting... Is it a Braxton Hicks contraction??? Wait... that hurt! a little..." That happened for like all of Wednesday night. I thought about taking a shower, but I have known too many people who took showers and the contractions stopped, and I was bound and determined to get this ball rolling, so... I decided to continue down this path stinky.
Around 11:30 on Wednesday night I started timing the contractions. They started out 15 minutes apart and then went down to 10 minutes, held there for awhile, then went down to five. By 2:30 in the morning when they were steadily at 5 minutes, I took a deep breath and woke up Tim. Now, for those of you who do not know Tim, he's like probably most of the population and that he is not perfect when you wake him up from a deep sleep. I can personally say, he is working on it. At 2:30 though, Tim informed me that this was not apart of his plan to for me to give birth so early in the morning and that we need to continue to time the contractions, and then we went back to sleep... Now, I know that this may seem insensitive, but in hindsight I'm actually grateful that he made me continue timing them because had we gone to the hospital so soon, I probably would have been turned away in triage, which was my WORST nightmare. So, I sat on my exercise ball, and watched TV shows on hulu and timed my contractions on my Iphone.
I had been texting my mom since 11:30, and she would check in with me like every hour, and finally around 6:00 she said she couldn't take it and was packing her bag to come to Florida, with my dad and sister... No pressure, really... now I just have to make sure I pop out a baby in the next 24 hours... Easily done, right?
At six, Tim woke up and we went for a loooooooooooong walk around our neighborhood where I was able to get the contractions down to three minutes apart. When we got home, Tim packed the car for what seemed like a million years, it wasn't but when you want to go to the hospital, a minute does seem like a thousand years. I called my doctor and told them what was up and they green- lighted me to go to the hospital. It was go time...
Until we got into the hospital, I went to triage, filled out forms then was laying on the bed, and my contractions STOPPED dead in their tracks. And the triage nurse checked me and I was only 3cm dilated. It's technically the hospital's policy to make you go home until you reach 4cm's. So, needless to say I was unhappy and praying my head off for some big contractions. (p.s. if you have not had a baby, I do not recommend you EVER praying to God to send you big contractions unless you really, really, really, want them) God answered my prayer. They came back in a big way in the Triage, and my wonderful, beautiful, amazing midwife, Andrea, came in looked me in the eye and said, "You are going to have your baby today!" Love, love, love those words! So, then we preceded to wait for what seemed like a millions more years for a room in Labor and Delivery to open. It really is kind of a weird feeling just sitting around, breathing through contractions waiting for a room to have your baby.
So, we get in Labor and Delivery and it feels like I have to tell like a million people that yes, in fact, I DO want an epidural. I mean, I understand policy, I was a case manager, I understand having to ask dumb questions a million times because one time a person died and their family sued and so now you have to ask these questions. But seriously, I feel like I told EVERYONE that I wanted an epidural. But first, they broke my water. And Tim watched! And the look on his face was priceless, and he's like, "She's going to bleed more than this?" And Andrea's like, "You haven't seen anything yet." And then she tells Tim every hour to eat!! So funny!! I think she might have been scared for him after he looked at my water being broken:). So, contractions get for real serious after your water breaks. And then I'm like, yes, please, for the love of all things Holy, please please please, get me the epidural, and I will love everyone forever!! So, they come in and give me what I requested, it's called a walking epidural. It's like not as strong medicine and helps with the aches and pains of the stronger contractions. Cool thing about this is, if you decide you want the stronger stuff, the needle is already in there, so they just bring in the stronger medicine and your good to go. Which, by the time I was 6cm dilated, when I was having contractions my face was "turning purple" according to my mom and sister. I'll get to them showing up in the next paragraph. So, I asked for the stronger stuff... Let me tell you, nothing feels so good as feeling the coolness of numbness running down your spine while you are contracting. Thank you Lord for making people who found out about epidurals, I love them.
So, mom and sis and dad arrive when I'm around 5cm's dilated. It was so good to see them, but so not good to know they had 4Rivers bar-b-q for lunch, and that I could not eat until much later after giving birth. Mom and my sister stayed with me up until my first practice push. It was very reassuring to have them in the room. Having them encourage me, give me helpful tips, and even my mom telling me that I was shaking from my epidural, which I could not figure out why I was shaking... So glad that they were both there. Because between me and all you on the internet, I was kind of freaking out that I was about to have a baby.
Finally, at about 5:30, Andrea comes in and checks me. She says, "I'm coming back in thirty minutes, and we are going to have this baby..." So, she comes back in thirty minutes, and I am moved into the birthing position and given an oxygen mask. Tim has to hold one of my legs, and we start to push. It was not very long, but it just felt like I was pushing for no reason, they kept telling me I was doing good, but I still felt this little girl in my body! Finally she got so low, that they were able to put a heart monitor on the top of her head, because she was too low to monitor my heart from the monitors that were on my belly. The new monitor had her heart sound like a door knock, which was strangely refreshing to hear while I was pushing. One scary moment happened as I had just finished pushing, and the "door knock" sound stopped. I looked up and Tim, who was looking at Andrea, who was looking at my contraction monitor. She said, "Wait for it.." And the "door knock" sound came back. Finally, the final pushes came, and I was SO excited, tired, relieved, scared... all of the above. (Side note, little one came out with her umbilical cord rapped around her head, which is why her heart stopped momentarily while coming through the birth canal). As she came out, and I heard her first cries, my heart literally burst. That is the only way I know how to describe how I felt the first time I heard and then saw her. Then comes the surprise... This entire time Tim and I could have sworn we were having a boy, I felt certain that we were having a boy... Tim looks up at me and says, "Meet our baby girl, Karis." Wow... I was not shocked then, I was in love as my beautiful girl curled up on my chest while they were getting the rest of the "stuff" out of me, and Tim was taking pictures like crazy. I just was in so much love. So beautiful to finally have the missing piece of the puzzle nuzzled right up under my chin. I was so nervous that she wouldn't respond to me, or love me like I loved her. But as I tried to calm her crying, she seemed to quiet at my voice. Makes me tear up thinking about it. And as soon as she was out and on me, they soon whisked her away to be cleaned, weighed, checked out, all that good stuff.
After she was taken out for a second, I just looked at Tim... We have a girl!! Oh goodness, we have a girl... That is all I was thinking for the most part. We are now considering owning a gun! jk, kind of...
So, there are so many more stories and thoughts I have one Karis, on being a mom, on hormones, and sleep, but there is no time, little girl is stirring and she does not like to wait for food. I just wanted you to be able to read this so I can hopefully have time in the future to write more about all my thoughts and feelings in this short time. Love you all...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Baby Math Part 1
I have not written in a long time because, well, writers block? Oh it's not like I haven't had some grand ideas in my mind that were just waiting to be put out there. It's that I have a lazy streak that if I let it, and I have, can go on for weeks. There, I said it, it is out there, I promise I will work it it:). Now, let me just tell you, I have less than 10 days until this child is supposed to come into the world. I might have more than that, because apparently, the child is already taken after his/her father, he/she does not like to move:). Not that little one is not moving, nope, there is a lot of that going on, it's just, not moving in the gravitational direction of out towards the world. I, in my desperate state of thinking and watching so many other women have there babies around me, keep having to remind myself what my mother told me one day: I will not be the first person ever to not have the baby. You would think that those words do not sound wise, but you get pregnant and then get to your 39th week and don't feel any contractions, and have very little dilation and see how you feel. Desperate is a good word:). But I'm fine, really, hence, I'm blogging!
But what I really want to talk about is not me or my emotions, those things are dangerous and tricky at this point in time. I want to talk to you about maybe one of the reasons why children cannot help but come into this world a little spoiled...
Its because of their parents, seriously.
I mean, Tim and I are no fortune five hundred people by any means, but the thought and preparation that took place for this child is insane. I mean, for me, at least, it began the second we moved into the house. We upgraded our living conditions for this little one. At least two large pieces of furniture were bought for this child (crib and rocker) we did not have to buy a dresser set because we already had one available, but I'm sure that would have been considered if we didn't have one and thanks to my sister a changing table was not a needed purchase, but we did repaint:).
So, so far, the child gets a new house, crib, and rocker... let's keep going.
Tim's car... lets just say that while I loved that car and was appreciative of all the miles that is faithful VW put into our relationship and subsequent marriage, it was by no means safe for a child to be in it, especially if it rained, and living in Florida, well... So, like we were some kind of contestants on the Oprah show, we got a new car! Well, new to us, and pretty new to the world as well:). But the baby just can't have a safe car, babies must be safe inside the safe new car. Hence we have a new stroller/carseat travel system. All for baby.
Once again: house, crib, rocker, car, car seat/ stroller, and finally...
I started to think about our camera situation. You see, as I have been able to have pleasure of watching everyone around me have a baby, I get to observe these things, like, there are a lot of pictures taken of this new little one. So, I think, well, we have a camera, we have not used it in forever but we have one. But further investigation proves that while our camera is fairly new (it was my wedding present from Tim:)) technology has out-done us again and while it is a good camera, Tim's cell phone is just at nice and has as many functions as our trusty family camera. In fact, we have not used the camera in probably over a year! We are really not picture people, that is sad, and should be remedied. I'm sure this little one will help with this;). Not being camera people, we opted for not as pricey or as complex of a camera that is out there, but we did step it up last night and got a more fancy smancy one that will take nice clear pictures of our new little addition. So, I would say the baby gets that one too...
For the last time: house, crib, rocker, car, car seat/ stroller, camera, and lets also not forget that I was thrown a total of two AMAZING showers, all of the gifts at which are not for me, but for the child... are we getting the drift here?
Do you know what Jesus got? He got a rented room in a cave and he slept where pigs eat their food...
I'm not saying any of the things that we got or prepared for for this little one are bad and that we should all be ashamed of ourselves for wanting to enjoy every second of new life. All I'm saying is that looking at it now, and thinking about the way the world is today, I need to start learning now how to dial down some of the baby math. Make sure that when the baby, who then turns into a toddler, who is raised into a child, knows what it is like to earn something and to be thankful and grateful for what has been given freely to him/her.
I'm spoiled too. Don't think the baby math is just for a baby. I could do "daddy's little girl" math or "bride to be" math, or "I'm an amazing wife" math, or my favorite while I was working "I work so hard and I'm SO stressed out" math. All apply. I just think that this keeps coming back in my mind and it's something to consider in my everyday life! Maybe you feel the same, or maybe you don't struggle with this math or have these issues. I do pray I am not the only one:). Can't wait to show you pic's of our new little one, hopefully that will not take as many weeks for me to blog about!!
Love you!
But what I really want to talk about is not me or my emotions, those things are dangerous and tricky at this point in time. I want to talk to you about maybe one of the reasons why children cannot help but come into this world a little spoiled...
Its because of their parents, seriously.
I mean, Tim and I are no fortune five hundred people by any means, but the thought and preparation that took place for this child is insane. I mean, for me, at least, it began the second we moved into the house. We upgraded our living conditions for this little one. At least two large pieces of furniture were bought for this child (crib and rocker) we did not have to buy a dresser set because we already had one available, but I'm sure that would have been considered if we didn't have one and thanks to my sister a changing table was not a needed purchase, but we did repaint:).
So, so far, the child gets a new house, crib, and rocker... let's keep going.
Tim's car... lets just say that while I loved that car and was appreciative of all the miles that is faithful VW put into our relationship and subsequent marriage, it was by no means safe for a child to be in it, especially if it rained, and living in Florida, well... So, like we were some kind of contestants on the Oprah show, we got a new car! Well, new to us, and pretty new to the world as well:). But the baby just can't have a safe car, babies must be safe inside the safe new car. Hence we have a new stroller/carseat travel system. All for baby.
Once again: house, crib, rocker, car, car seat/ stroller, and finally...
I started to think about our camera situation. You see, as I have been able to have pleasure of watching everyone around me have a baby, I get to observe these things, like, there are a lot of pictures taken of this new little one. So, I think, well, we have a camera, we have not used it in forever but we have one. But further investigation proves that while our camera is fairly new (it was my wedding present from Tim:)) technology has out-done us again and while it is a good camera, Tim's cell phone is just at nice and has as many functions as our trusty family camera. In fact, we have not used the camera in probably over a year! We are really not picture people, that is sad, and should be remedied. I'm sure this little one will help with this;). Not being camera people, we opted for not as pricey or as complex of a camera that is out there, but we did step it up last night and got a more fancy smancy one that will take nice clear pictures of our new little addition. So, I would say the baby gets that one too...
For the last time: house, crib, rocker, car, car seat/ stroller, camera, and lets also not forget that I was thrown a total of two AMAZING showers, all of the gifts at which are not for me, but for the child... are we getting the drift here?
Do you know what Jesus got? He got a rented room in a cave and he slept where pigs eat their food...
I'm not saying any of the things that we got or prepared for for this little one are bad and that we should all be ashamed of ourselves for wanting to enjoy every second of new life. All I'm saying is that looking at it now, and thinking about the way the world is today, I need to start learning now how to dial down some of the baby math. Make sure that when the baby, who then turns into a toddler, who is raised into a child, knows what it is like to earn something and to be thankful and grateful for what has been given freely to him/her.
I'm spoiled too. Don't think the baby math is just for a baby. I could do "daddy's little girl" math or "bride to be" math, or "I'm an amazing wife" math, or my favorite while I was working "I work so hard and I'm SO stressed out" math. All apply. I just think that this keeps coming back in my mind and it's something to consider in my everyday life! Maybe you feel the same, or maybe you don't struggle with this math or have these issues. I do pray I am not the only one:). Can't wait to show you pic's of our new little one, hopefully that will not take as many weeks for me to blog about!!
Love you!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The Twilight Zone...
I know what your thinking..."She couldn't be"... "oh no she isn't"... "C'mon LaurieAnn..." But I am seriously referring and have often thought of this last trimester as the Twilight Zone. Mostly cause things are just off! Way off! And it could be because I now have a fully self-sufficient human being inside of my body, that moves... And not just the "Oh!, I think I felt something!" moves, but a human that when he/she stretches it's tiny little (probably getting a little scquinched in there) legs and feet, you can see the bump on my belly where the foot is sticking out. I am very thankful at this time, that the legs are not aimed at my ribs... yet...
But yes, I told you I would update you on my pregnancy if things have changed... and they have, big time. So let me get into it!
First of, hormones! Holy cow hormones, its not like I'm crying all the time, but the problem is, if I start to cry, I can't stop. And then I cry harder trying to tell myself that I am being stupid for crying. So, if I start to cray, the only way to get it to stop is if I just let myself have the good long cry to get it out of my system! Just wrong sometimes... And I am crying for stupid reasons. I teared up the other night when the realization hit that I was going to miss the Fall in GA... dumb tears, I'm not really that sad about it, probably just a short "whoa-is-me" moment, I'm super excited that I'm getting a baby in the Fall... I will miss the beautiful trees though...
There is a lot of swelling/sweating involved in the last trimester, at least with me. If the air is not down to somewhere between 60-70 degrees, you can bet that I am sweating up a storm! And all you want to do is stand in front of a fan and have it blow on you, just so much sweating, everywhere! And I now have cankles, large, water-filled cankles. I loved by dainty ankles, I loved how they narrowed right before my foot began. Not so much anymore, no, my now larger calves flow straight into the foot at the same diameter... its just so attractive.
Backache has become just apart of life. Even as I sit here, my lower back on the right side just feels like one huge knot. If I stand up that helps, but after awhile that hurts, so then I sit down, and well... that hurts more after five minutes. Sleeping helps the most, but you end up hurting sleeping as well, your just sleeping through the backache, cause when I wake up, which is often, there is all kinds of back, neck, arm joint popping that is going on. And I am slowly on track to getting the those cramps in my legs, drinking more water has become my mission in life, if only my husband would stop drink sweat tea in front of me!!
Speaking of waking up during sleeping...Wow! I already thought, that getting up once a night was going to be my MO. Not so, I'm averaging getting up twice a night, sometimes three times. A good night is now just getting up once for the bathroom. It boggles my mind at how much this is a necessity! Seems, the more this little one grows, the less room there is for my bladder and its contents. I'm starting to feel a little intruded on.:)
All that being said, I'm glad that I have a happy, healthy baby moving, a lot, inside of me. I know its happy, cause its gotta be, I mean, what more could you want inside your mom? He/she can be naked, stays at a nice warm temp all the time, is fed anytime its hungry, and can go to the bathroom and not wait for anyone to change its diapers! The good life indeed! The best way I can describe the frustration involved with this last trimester is sometimes you just want to pick up the bump and put it next to you so you can walk around with your back not hurting for a couple of minutes, but that's not feesable. So, I wait. Ten-eleven more weeks and we're golden.
Still nesting a bit as well, and I'll put up some pic's soon of the baby's room just as soon as we get our rocker in. Looking forward to a complete life-change, just need to get ready for it:)Hope you enjoyed!
LA
But yes, I told you I would update you on my pregnancy if things have changed... and they have, big time. So let me get into it!
First of, hormones! Holy cow hormones, its not like I'm crying all the time, but the problem is, if I start to cry, I can't stop. And then I cry harder trying to tell myself that I am being stupid for crying. So, if I start to cray, the only way to get it to stop is if I just let myself have the good long cry to get it out of my system! Just wrong sometimes... And I am crying for stupid reasons. I teared up the other night when the realization hit that I was going to miss the Fall in GA... dumb tears, I'm not really that sad about it, probably just a short "whoa-is-me" moment, I'm super excited that I'm getting a baby in the Fall... I will miss the beautiful trees though...
There is a lot of swelling/sweating involved in the last trimester, at least with me. If the air is not down to somewhere between 60-70 degrees, you can bet that I am sweating up a storm! And all you want to do is stand in front of a fan and have it blow on you, just so much sweating, everywhere! And I now have cankles, large, water-filled cankles. I loved by dainty ankles, I loved how they narrowed right before my foot began. Not so much anymore, no, my now larger calves flow straight into the foot at the same diameter... its just so attractive.
Backache has become just apart of life. Even as I sit here, my lower back on the right side just feels like one huge knot. If I stand up that helps, but after awhile that hurts, so then I sit down, and well... that hurts more after five minutes. Sleeping helps the most, but you end up hurting sleeping as well, your just sleeping through the backache, cause when I wake up, which is often, there is all kinds of back, neck, arm joint popping that is going on. And I am slowly on track to getting the those cramps in my legs, drinking more water has become my mission in life, if only my husband would stop drink sweat tea in front of me!!
Speaking of waking up during sleeping...Wow! I already thought, that getting up once a night was going to be my MO. Not so, I'm averaging getting up twice a night, sometimes three times. A good night is now just getting up once for the bathroom. It boggles my mind at how much this is a necessity! Seems, the more this little one grows, the less room there is for my bladder and its contents. I'm starting to feel a little intruded on.:)
All that being said, I'm glad that I have a happy, healthy baby moving, a lot, inside of me. I know its happy, cause its gotta be, I mean, what more could you want inside your mom? He/she can be naked, stays at a nice warm temp all the time, is fed anytime its hungry, and can go to the bathroom and not wait for anyone to change its diapers! The good life indeed! The best way I can describe the frustration involved with this last trimester is sometimes you just want to pick up the bump and put it next to you so you can walk around with your back not hurting for a couple of minutes, but that's not feesable. So, I wait. Ten-eleven more weeks and we're golden.
Still nesting a bit as well, and I'll put up some pic's soon of the baby's room just as soon as we get our rocker in. Looking forward to a complete life-change, just need to get ready for it:)Hope you enjoyed!
LA
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