I have not written in a long time because, well, writers block? Oh it's not like I haven't had some grand ideas in my mind that were just waiting to be put out there. It's that I have a lazy streak that if I let it, and I have, can go on for weeks. There, I said it, it is out there, I promise I will work it it:). Now, let me just tell you, I have less than 10 days until this child is supposed to come into the world. I might have more than that, because apparently, the child is already taken after his/her father, he/she does not like to move:). Not that little one is not moving, nope, there is a lot of that going on, it's just, not moving in the gravitational direction of out towards the world. I, in my desperate state of thinking and watching so many other women have there babies around me, keep having to remind myself what my mother told me one day: I will not be the first person ever to not have the baby. You would think that those words do not sound wise, but you get pregnant and then get to your 39th week and don't feel any contractions, and have very little dilation and see how you feel. Desperate is a good word:). But I'm fine, really, hence, I'm blogging!
But what I really want to talk about is not me or my emotions, those things are dangerous and tricky at this point in time. I want to talk to you about maybe one of the reasons why children cannot help but come into this world a little spoiled...
Its because of their parents, seriously.
I mean, Tim and I are no fortune five hundred people by any means, but the thought and preparation that took place for this child is insane. I mean, for me, at least, it began the second we moved into the house. We upgraded our living conditions for this little one. At least two large pieces of furniture were bought for this child (crib and rocker) we did not have to buy a dresser set because we already had one available, but I'm sure that would have been considered if we didn't have one and thanks to my sister a changing table was not a needed purchase, but we did repaint:).
So, so far, the child gets a new house, crib, and rocker... let's keep going.
Tim's car... lets just say that while I loved that car and was appreciative of all the miles that is faithful VW put into our relationship and subsequent marriage, it was by no means safe for a child to be in it, especially if it rained, and living in Florida, well... So, like we were some kind of contestants on the Oprah show, we got a new car! Well, new to us, and pretty new to the world as well:). But the baby just can't have a safe car, babies must be safe inside the safe new car. Hence we have a new stroller/carseat travel system. All for baby.
Once again: house, crib, rocker, car, car seat/ stroller, and finally...
I started to think about our camera situation. You see, as I have been able to have pleasure of watching everyone around me have a baby, I get to observe these things, like, there are a lot of pictures taken of this new little one. So, I think, well, we have a camera, we have not used it in forever but we have one. But further investigation proves that while our camera is fairly new (it was my wedding present from Tim:)) technology has out-done us again and while it is a good camera, Tim's cell phone is just at nice and has as many functions as our trusty family camera. In fact, we have not used the camera in probably over a year! We are really not picture people, that is sad, and should be remedied. I'm sure this little one will help with this;). Not being camera people, we opted for not as pricey or as complex of a camera that is out there, but we did step it up last night and got a more fancy smancy one that will take nice clear pictures of our new little addition. So, I would say the baby gets that one too...
For the last time: house, crib, rocker, car, car seat/ stroller, camera, and lets also not forget that I was thrown a total of two AMAZING showers, all of the gifts at which are not for me, but for the child... are we getting the drift here?
Do you know what Jesus got? He got a rented room in a cave and he slept where pigs eat their food...
I'm not saying any of the things that we got or prepared for for this little one are bad and that we should all be ashamed of ourselves for wanting to enjoy every second of new life. All I'm saying is that looking at it now, and thinking about the way the world is today, I need to start learning now how to dial down some of the baby math. Make sure that when the baby, who then turns into a toddler, who is raised into a child, knows what it is like to earn something and to be thankful and grateful for what has been given freely to him/her.
I'm spoiled too. Don't think the baby math is just for a baby. I could do "daddy's little girl" math or "bride to be" math, or "I'm an amazing wife" math, or my favorite while I was working "I work so hard and I'm SO stressed out" math. All apply. I just think that this keeps coming back in my mind and it's something to consider in my everyday life! Maybe you feel the same, or maybe you don't struggle with this math or have these issues. I do pray I am not the only one:). Can't wait to show you pic's of our new little one, hopefully that will not take as many weeks for me to blog about!!
Love you!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The Twilight Zone...
I know what your thinking..."She couldn't be"... "oh no she isn't"... "C'mon LaurieAnn..." But I am seriously referring and have often thought of this last trimester as the Twilight Zone. Mostly cause things are just off! Way off! And it could be because I now have a fully self-sufficient human being inside of my body, that moves... And not just the "Oh!, I think I felt something!" moves, but a human that when he/she stretches it's tiny little (probably getting a little scquinched in there) legs and feet, you can see the bump on my belly where the foot is sticking out. I am very thankful at this time, that the legs are not aimed at my ribs... yet...
But yes, I told you I would update you on my pregnancy if things have changed... and they have, big time. So let me get into it!
First of, hormones! Holy cow hormones, its not like I'm crying all the time, but the problem is, if I start to cry, I can't stop. And then I cry harder trying to tell myself that I am being stupid for crying. So, if I start to cray, the only way to get it to stop is if I just let myself have the good long cry to get it out of my system! Just wrong sometimes... And I am crying for stupid reasons. I teared up the other night when the realization hit that I was going to miss the Fall in GA... dumb tears, I'm not really that sad about it, probably just a short "whoa-is-me" moment, I'm super excited that I'm getting a baby in the Fall... I will miss the beautiful trees though...
There is a lot of swelling/sweating involved in the last trimester, at least with me. If the air is not down to somewhere between 60-70 degrees, you can bet that I am sweating up a storm! And all you want to do is stand in front of a fan and have it blow on you, just so much sweating, everywhere! And I now have cankles, large, water-filled cankles. I loved by dainty ankles, I loved how they narrowed right before my foot began. Not so much anymore, no, my now larger calves flow straight into the foot at the same diameter... its just so attractive.
Backache has become just apart of life. Even as I sit here, my lower back on the right side just feels like one huge knot. If I stand up that helps, but after awhile that hurts, so then I sit down, and well... that hurts more after five minutes. Sleeping helps the most, but you end up hurting sleeping as well, your just sleeping through the backache, cause when I wake up, which is often, there is all kinds of back, neck, arm joint popping that is going on. And I am slowly on track to getting the those cramps in my legs, drinking more water has become my mission in life, if only my husband would stop drink sweat tea in front of me!!
Speaking of waking up during sleeping...Wow! I already thought, that getting up once a night was going to be my MO. Not so, I'm averaging getting up twice a night, sometimes three times. A good night is now just getting up once for the bathroom. It boggles my mind at how much this is a necessity! Seems, the more this little one grows, the less room there is for my bladder and its contents. I'm starting to feel a little intruded on.:)
All that being said, I'm glad that I have a happy, healthy baby moving, a lot, inside of me. I know its happy, cause its gotta be, I mean, what more could you want inside your mom? He/she can be naked, stays at a nice warm temp all the time, is fed anytime its hungry, and can go to the bathroom and not wait for anyone to change its diapers! The good life indeed! The best way I can describe the frustration involved with this last trimester is sometimes you just want to pick up the bump and put it next to you so you can walk around with your back not hurting for a couple of minutes, but that's not feesable. So, I wait. Ten-eleven more weeks and we're golden.
Still nesting a bit as well, and I'll put up some pic's soon of the baby's room just as soon as we get our rocker in. Looking forward to a complete life-change, just need to get ready for it:)Hope you enjoyed!
LA
But yes, I told you I would update you on my pregnancy if things have changed... and they have, big time. So let me get into it!
First of, hormones! Holy cow hormones, its not like I'm crying all the time, but the problem is, if I start to cry, I can't stop. And then I cry harder trying to tell myself that I am being stupid for crying. So, if I start to cray, the only way to get it to stop is if I just let myself have the good long cry to get it out of my system! Just wrong sometimes... And I am crying for stupid reasons. I teared up the other night when the realization hit that I was going to miss the Fall in GA... dumb tears, I'm not really that sad about it, probably just a short "whoa-is-me" moment, I'm super excited that I'm getting a baby in the Fall... I will miss the beautiful trees though...
There is a lot of swelling/sweating involved in the last trimester, at least with me. If the air is not down to somewhere between 60-70 degrees, you can bet that I am sweating up a storm! And all you want to do is stand in front of a fan and have it blow on you, just so much sweating, everywhere! And I now have cankles, large, water-filled cankles. I loved by dainty ankles, I loved how they narrowed right before my foot began. Not so much anymore, no, my now larger calves flow straight into the foot at the same diameter... its just so attractive.
Backache has become just apart of life. Even as I sit here, my lower back on the right side just feels like one huge knot. If I stand up that helps, but after awhile that hurts, so then I sit down, and well... that hurts more after five minutes. Sleeping helps the most, but you end up hurting sleeping as well, your just sleeping through the backache, cause when I wake up, which is often, there is all kinds of back, neck, arm joint popping that is going on. And I am slowly on track to getting the those cramps in my legs, drinking more water has become my mission in life, if only my husband would stop drink sweat tea in front of me!!
Speaking of waking up during sleeping...Wow! I already thought, that getting up once a night was going to be my MO. Not so, I'm averaging getting up twice a night, sometimes three times. A good night is now just getting up once for the bathroom. It boggles my mind at how much this is a necessity! Seems, the more this little one grows, the less room there is for my bladder and its contents. I'm starting to feel a little intruded on.:)
All that being said, I'm glad that I have a happy, healthy baby moving, a lot, inside of me. I know its happy, cause its gotta be, I mean, what more could you want inside your mom? He/she can be naked, stays at a nice warm temp all the time, is fed anytime its hungry, and can go to the bathroom and not wait for anyone to change its diapers! The good life indeed! The best way I can describe the frustration involved with this last trimester is sometimes you just want to pick up the bump and put it next to you so you can walk around with your back not hurting for a couple of minutes, but that's not feesable. So, I wait. Ten-eleven more weeks and we're golden.
Still nesting a bit as well, and I'll put up some pic's soon of the baby's room just as soon as we get our rocker in. Looking forward to a complete life-change, just need to get ready for it:)Hope you enjoyed!
LA
Monday, July 25, 2011
I went for a walk...
I wanted to write this blog while it was fresh... I feel that the emotion is raw and that it is just very real of what is all going through my mind right now... To preface, I'm coming off of a spectacular, crazy busy, and unbelievable weekend. I mean, we celebrated two babies with showers, in two days... c'mon, nuff said, right? But this morning, as I woke up very early to use the restroom for what seemed like the millionth time, I glanced over and saw my wonderful mother reading her Bible, and I looked outside and saw what kind of a morning it was, and God gently spoke and said, "I think it would be a good time for one of Our walks today, don't you think?" The invitation out there, I was not going to let that go, no matter how my flesh wanted to go to the computer and check facebook...
So, I scarfed down some cereal, talked with mom for a sec, made sure Tim knew I was going for a walk, got my cute little dachshund all excited as I slipped on her leash, and then we were out the door, cankles and all...
And I have to tell you, I cried. For a brief second if I closed my eyes as I was walking along my parent's neighborhood, I could pretend, that this little cute thing I'm walking was my dog, and this beautiful older, shady (as in lots of beautiful old trees, providing shade, not that bad type of shady...) neighborhood with is soft grasses and big lawns, was my neighborhood. You could let the cool mountain breeze blow over you and just ingest all the goodness. The faces of my beautiful family flashed before me and the faces of their children. The faces of the children yet to come... My friends, I'm not Miss Popular back here by any means, but the friends that I have here make me smile so much. And there is so much history together, makes me happy.
Please don't get me wrong. The second I found out that I was going to live in Florida, I was excited. I was engaged to Tim and while it was devastating to find out that I was not going to be engaged to my fiance in the same state, I was so excited about living in a new place for our newlywed stage. Marriage is SO hard sometimes, and all the times lots of work, and to be able to discover a new city together, I felt like a frontiers-woman. It was just me and Tim and we were going to make it together. And I still feel like that in Florida. Orlando was not a place I was horrified to end up at, I was thrilled and excited!
But when you come home... My heart longs to have my child be close to his/her cousins geographically speaking, to visit friends often, to go to Athens in the fall and see UGA games, to hike mountain trails in Dahlonega...Who would have thought that while I was riding the backroads of my life with the top down listening to country music, I was actually falling in love with this place?
And once again, do not get me wrong... I live in a beautiful neighborhood, or at least the closest thing I was felt to a neighborhood in Florida, I have a wonderful cute home that I just love, we have an amazing church, with an amazing LigeGroup, and wonderful friends who do not think twice about praying for us and helping us out in an instant, they are our family, and I depend on them for support probably much more than they think.
So, how do I reconcile my feelings? I wonder this right now... How does my heart long to walk in an old shady neighborhood, and yet feel the love and excitement of meeting new people and ministries in our current situation. I guess that's why I cried, I'm just torn right now. I may not be tomorrow, I'll probably be fine in an hour or so. Just know, if you ever feel this way when you go home to visit that its not unusual, its so normal. I don't know many stories in the Bible of people felt torn in this way, so I guess I'll have to go back to the Bible to reconcile these feelings, and as this always works, focus my life around God my Father and follow His Will. It really was a good walk, full of good things... And I'll leave you with my final thought that God spoke to me:
LaurieAnn, I lead you to Orlando, and I give you All good things... Therefore, Orlando is good and it accomplishes my Work...
Yes, Lord, as always, You are Right...
So, I scarfed down some cereal, talked with mom for a sec, made sure Tim knew I was going for a walk, got my cute little dachshund all excited as I slipped on her leash, and then we were out the door, cankles and all...
And I have to tell you, I cried. For a brief second if I closed my eyes as I was walking along my parent's neighborhood, I could pretend, that this little cute thing I'm walking was my dog, and this beautiful older, shady (as in lots of beautiful old trees, providing shade, not that bad type of shady...) neighborhood with is soft grasses and big lawns, was my neighborhood. You could let the cool mountain breeze blow over you and just ingest all the goodness. The faces of my beautiful family flashed before me and the faces of their children. The faces of the children yet to come... My friends, I'm not Miss Popular back here by any means, but the friends that I have here make me smile so much. And there is so much history together, makes me happy.
Please don't get me wrong. The second I found out that I was going to live in Florida, I was excited. I was engaged to Tim and while it was devastating to find out that I was not going to be engaged to my fiance in the same state, I was so excited about living in a new place for our newlywed stage. Marriage is SO hard sometimes, and all the times lots of work, and to be able to discover a new city together, I felt like a frontiers-woman. It was just me and Tim and we were going to make it together. And I still feel like that in Florida. Orlando was not a place I was horrified to end up at, I was thrilled and excited!
But when you come home... My heart longs to have my child be close to his/her cousins geographically speaking, to visit friends often, to go to Athens in the fall and see UGA games, to hike mountain trails in Dahlonega...Who would have thought that while I was riding the backroads of my life with the top down listening to country music, I was actually falling in love with this place?
And once again, do not get me wrong... I live in a beautiful neighborhood, or at least the closest thing I was felt to a neighborhood in Florida, I have a wonderful cute home that I just love, we have an amazing church, with an amazing LigeGroup, and wonderful friends who do not think twice about praying for us and helping us out in an instant, they are our family, and I depend on them for support probably much more than they think.
So, how do I reconcile my feelings? I wonder this right now... How does my heart long to walk in an old shady neighborhood, and yet feel the love and excitement of meeting new people and ministries in our current situation. I guess that's why I cried, I'm just torn right now. I may not be tomorrow, I'll probably be fine in an hour or so. Just know, if you ever feel this way when you go home to visit that its not unusual, its so normal. I don't know many stories in the Bible of people felt torn in this way, so I guess I'll have to go back to the Bible to reconcile these feelings, and as this always works, focus my life around God my Father and follow His Will. It really was a good walk, full of good things... And I'll leave you with my final thought that God spoke to me:
LaurieAnn, I lead you to Orlando, and I give you All good things... Therefore, Orlando is good and it accomplishes my Work...
Yes, Lord, as always, You are Right...
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Gifted...
I am so excited about this post today! Excited and nervous. I hope it comes out right, I hope you get what I'm trying to say, or even better, I hope you get something from God, I mainly hope you just read the whole post;).
So, if you have read any of my previous posts from the past year, you know I am a shameless promoter of things. I mean, I had a whole post dedicated to David Crowder... And why shouldn't I? He's a pretty cool guy. A couple of months ago I basically begged you to by a Derek Webb CD, which, I still think you should...(jk, kind of...) Buy now, you should also know I am a huge music freak. I LOVE music. But today, I am not pushing music, nope, I'm telling you to go get a book... yep, put your reading glasses on.
Now, if you know me, I am not about to go give you a book report about this book. Cause really, honestly, I haven't read the whole thing yet. But I'm looking forward to it. Its a book called 1000 Gifts. I did not post a link, but if you google it, it is the first thing that pops up.
All I'm saying is that my beautiful sister gave me this book back in April. I had just come off of a small group study of Grace, and I was in this place where I wanted to know more about God's Grace, how much I need it in my life. How I Love God's Grace. I will continue to learn about it, I promise. So my sister gives me this book on Thankfulness, and here is my exact super-churchy, shamefully spiritually snobby thought about this wonderful gift she gave me, "Thankfulness? Didn't we learn this in kindergarten? I am so thankful for everything, this is going to be a breeze, thank you God, right, ok, well..." And I didn't have any of my other books on Grace yet, and I needed to read, so I shrugged my shoulders and read the book. (And if you are wondering, I did not say any of those things out-loud, THANK YOU Lord...) And boy, have I gotten my socks blown off.
I learned I am not a thankful person. I can literally spend hours in prayer, praying crying out, begging God for all kinds of things in my life. And no time thanking Him for a thing. Not one thing. And then I wonder why I still feel there are no miracles, no answered prayer. Why do I still feel heavy? But the author of this book makes a very good point. "Eucharisteo precedes the miracle." The author explains that Eucharisteo is a Greek word meaning "He gave thanks" by using two other Greek words Grace and Joy. Wow, Thanks, Grace, and Joy, what a combination to have! She then went to give the example how when Christ received the loaves and fish to feed the 5,000, He thanked God first. He was grateful for the miracle that was about to happen, because He trusted God. My prayers were never full of so much faith. Because when I ask, and ask, and ask, but have no faith in the one that I am asking from, what good are my prayers? I know that the Bible says for us to ask and seek and knock. But the Bible also says in James 1: But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. This verse has stung me for most of my life. But something has happened. And that something is thankfulness. Being sincerely thankful for everything I am praying for. Being thankful for the friends that I am praying for, thankful that God loves us and, He has brought us here so far, and He will continue to bring us along. That even when our lives don't turn out the way be thought, being thankful that God has done greater things in our lives. Being grateful for the very moments, seconds you are living. It slows time down. Try it. When you don't want a certain moment to end, start thanking God for all He is doing. I just tried that on a little trip with Tim. Instead of trying to make stuff happen and get him to open up to me on the beach we were at. I just started thanking God for everything thing in that moment. From the waves, the sunlight, the sand, to the beautiful husband that thought enough of our marriage to bring us on this trip to be with just us. Do you know what happened? A miracle. Tim took my hand and walked with me on the beach and told me all about what he was learning in the book He was reading. Oh, I wish you could hear my heart sing, it sounds a lot better than I do... Talk about Thanks, Grace, and Joy all in one moment.
My heart if full. A lot more than it was. Because I am learning to be so much more thankful than, "I am thankful for everything." And I am also trying a new thing. It's a bit extreme, I know, but bear with me. When I receive not so good news recently, I literally sat there and thanked God, and I refused to leave until my heart was truly grateful for the news I received. I did not want to leave this spot worrying, fearing, playing fake with the Lord. I was determined to sit there until I received the blessing of the news. And it happened. I looked up and saw the small birds, and God whispered, "See how they are so fat because how I have provided for them? I love you a lot more than them, trust me..." And I was able to enjoy the rest of the day, Thankful, for the blessing, the promise. It is a practice that I have been missing for most of my life. But I am so full. And so Grateful! What are our other options when hearing bad news? Worrying? Trying to make things out of our control under our control? Doesn't work, I tried, a lot to make my life bend to my will. It never happened. But, when you wake up one day and realize you are 25, going on four years of marriage to a great man, and expecting a beautiful bundle of joy too... I realized I am SO thankful that my life bent to the Most Holy than my ideas.
Please know I am new at this. There are people who have been handed news that is more mind-blowing than I have experienced. But I will tell you, I don't like being worried, I can't stand to feel out of control, and when I set my focus through the practice of Thankfulness, all of those worries wash away. My devotional today said this, "Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold." I would have never known what that would have meant if God had not used this book to teach me more about Himself. And I will also admit that Trust has not been my strong point in life, but through Thankfulness, I am learning to trust God. Somehow, those two are linked very closely. I am so tired of being fearful, you have no idea how fear has integrated itself into my life. A cage I was just used to living in. How Thankfulness has helped me, not just unlocked that cage, but broken it. I mean, I'm still traveling this road, but I'm so glad, grateful really:) to be on the road in the first place.
Hope you have enjoyed my Ebenezer. I certainly am!
LA
So, if you have read any of my previous posts from the past year, you know I am a shameless promoter of things. I mean, I had a whole post dedicated to David Crowder... And why shouldn't I? He's a pretty cool guy. A couple of months ago I basically begged you to by a Derek Webb CD, which, I still think you should...(jk, kind of...) Buy now, you should also know I am a huge music freak. I LOVE music. But today, I am not pushing music, nope, I'm telling you to go get a book... yep, put your reading glasses on.
Now, if you know me, I am not about to go give you a book report about this book. Cause really, honestly, I haven't read the whole thing yet. But I'm looking forward to it. Its a book called 1000 Gifts. I did not post a link, but if you google it, it is the first thing that pops up.
All I'm saying is that my beautiful sister gave me this book back in April. I had just come off of a small group study of Grace, and I was in this place where I wanted to know more about God's Grace, how much I need it in my life. How I Love God's Grace. I will continue to learn about it, I promise. So my sister gives me this book on Thankfulness, and here is my exact super-churchy, shamefully spiritually snobby thought about this wonderful gift she gave me, "Thankfulness? Didn't we learn this in kindergarten? I am so thankful for everything, this is going to be a breeze, thank you God, right, ok, well..." And I didn't have any of my other books on Grace yet, and I needed to read, so I shrugged my shoulders and read the book. (And if you are wondering, I did not say any of those things out-loud, THANK YOU Lord...) And boy, have I gotten my socks blown off.
I learned I am not a thankful person. I can literally spend hours in prayer, praying crying out, begging God for all kinds of things in my life. And no time thanking Him for a thing. Not one thing. And then I wonder why I still feel there are no miracles, no answered prayer. Why do I still feel heavy? But the author of this book makes a very good point. "Eucharisteo precedes the miracle." The author explains that Eucharisteo is a Greek word meaning "He gave thanks" by using two other Greek words Grace and Joy. Wow, Thanks, Grace, and Joy, what a combination to have! She then went to give the example how when Christ received the loaves and fish to feed the 5,000, He thanked God first. He was grateful for the miracle that was about to happen, because He trusted God. My prayers were never full of so much faith. Because when I ask, and ask, and ask, but have no faith in the one that I am asking from, what good are my prayers? I know that the Bible says for us to ask and seek and knock. But the Bible also says in James 1: But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. This verse has stung me for most of my life. But something has happened. And that something is thankfulness. Being sincerely thankful for everything I am praying for. Being thankful for the friends that I am praying for, thankful that God loves us and, He has brought us here so far, and He will continue to bring us along. That even when our lives don't turn out the way be thought, being thankful that God has done greater things in our lives. Being grateful for the very moments, seconds you are living. It slows time down. Try it. When you don't want a certain moment to end, start thanking God for all He is doing. I just tried that on a little trip with Tim. Instead of trying to make stuff happen and get him to open up to me on the beach we were at. I just started thanking God for everything thing in that moment. From the waves, the sunlight, the sand, to the beautiful husband that thought enough of our marriage to bring us on this trip to be with just us. Do you know what happened? A miracle. Tim took my hand and walked with me on the beach and told me all about what he was learning in the book He was reading. Oh, I wish you could hear my heart sing, it sounds a lot better than I do... Talk about Thanks, Grace, and Joy all in one moment.
My heart if full. A lot more than it was. Because I am learning to be so much more thankful than, "I am thankful for everything." And I am also trying a new thing. It's a bit extreme, I know, but bear with me. When I receive not so good news recently, I literally sat there and thanked God, and I refused to leave until my heart was truly grateful for the news I received. I did not want to leave this spot worrying, fearing, playing fake with the Lord. I was determined to sit there until I received the blessing of the news. And it happened. I looked up and saw the small birds, and God whispered, "See how they are so fat because how I have provided for them? I love you a lot more than them, trust me..." And I was able to enjoy the rest of the day, Thankful, for the blessing, the promise. It is a practice that I have been missing for most of my life. But I am so full. And so Grateful! What are our other options when hearing bad news? Worrying? Trying to make things out of our control under our control? Doesn't work, I tried, a lot to make my life bend to my will. It never happened. But, when you wake up one day and realize you are 25, going on four years of marriage to a great man, and expecting a beautiful bundle of joy too... I realized I am SO thankful that my life bent to the Most Holy than my ideas.
Please know I am new at this. There are people who have been handed news that is more mind-blowing than I have experienced. But I will tell you, I don't like being worried, I can't stand to feel out of control, and when I set my focus through the practice of Thankfulness, all of those worries wash away. My devotional today said this, "Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold." I would have never known what that would have meant if God had not used this book to teach me more about Himself. And I will also admit that Trust has not been my strong point in life, but through Thankfulness, I am learning to trust God. Somehow, those two are linked very closely. I am so tired of being fearful, you have no idea how fear has integrated itself into my life. A cage I was just used to living in. How Thankfulness has helped me, not just unlocked that cage, but broken it. I mean, I'm still traveling this road, but I'm so glad, grateful really:) to be on the road in the first place.
Hope you have enjoyed my Ebenezer. I certainly am!
LA
Monday, May 23, 2011
Pregnancy??
As many of you can see, I changed my blog... again, I'm trying to make it look like the way I feel about this site, cause it it important to me. It's important to me that I get to tell you about what I'm learning and doing, so I hope you like the new digs.
Feel free to tell me if you like or dislike (but be nice:)).
So, a lot of people have been asking me lately how I am feeling. I guess because pregnancy is so individual for so many people it is different for everyone. So, when I really have nothing to say that is crazy different about it, most people seem happy cause that means I am not feeling nauseous or puking.. well, I'll get to that, but I do have a lot to say about this thing called pregnancy. So, I hope this is helpful for all kinds of people, or maybe not at all, who knows?
Let me first start off by saying, everyday of my life I am totally shocked that I am having a baby. I know that most of you know that this was a planned pregnancy, its not like I wasn't going for gold or anything, I just really can't believe there was success, and for more than one reason, but the main reason being, I can't really believe that God put the OK on me and Tim to have kids, its kind of crazy! Now, if you ask Tim, he would say that we are totally a good couple to have kids, which I agree with him, but... Sometimes I do wonder about us. I consider it a huge honor to be here, seriously, being a parent is probably the hardest thing I will ever do in my life, and I've done some hard things (for me, mind you:)) Tim and I were actually on the beach last night, having communion on the sand with our church after some beach Baptisms, and Tim started thanking the Lord for our baby. And my only thought was..."Holy crap, I can't believe we are thanking God for a baby, we are going to have a baby!!!!" I know, I should really be wrapping my head around this idea, but once again, I never thought I would ever get married, much less have a baby, really, so the fact that we are here right now, and I'm only 25, it's pretty incredible. And I am totally blessed.
How do I feel? At its worst, my pregnancy has been uncomfortable. Some people might be hating me for this, but hey, if you haven't had kids yet, then this might be encouraging. I kid you not, there was no morning sickness, no nausea, no nothing. I kept asking the doctors and my poor mother, are you sure I'm pregnant? Because for the first 12 weeks, I had nothing to go on, other than a positive pregnancy test. It was kind of scary, but I was really thankful for no vomiting, cause, in my lifetime, I have gotten sick a lot and have vomited a lot more than a normal person should, mainly due to the fact that I can catch stomach flu from a mile away. Seriously. I am really susceptible to that stuff. And if you don't believe me, look at the Christmas card my mom sent out last year, everyone looking nice and refreshed, and I look a little busted and mad that we are taking this picture? Its cause I was throwing up everything in my stomach from the previous night... Merry Christmas... moving on...
So, I am thankful for no nausea and vomiting, but what else has been new with this? I didn't even know my belly button could stretch the way it has, and it is only half way there. It already freaks me out. I used to have this beautifully cute inny.. and now... it just looks like a huge circle with a bump on my stomach. And when those muscles are stretching as they grow... forget it. The only way I can handle that is by pushing in on my belly button. I do not like that thing messed with in the first place, and all this pregnancy has done is mess with my belly button! It's like pregnancy knows how to make you uncomfortable in your least favorite ways... Then there's the fact that I have never been anemic (its like a blood thing, google it:)) my whole life, and now this child, that I love and can't wait to meet, has sucked all of my iron out of me... and now I must take supplements of iron! So when you are pregnant, not only must you take prenatals, but now my iron pills, and then because iron causes constipation, I must make sure I am getting an over amount of fiber in my diet...and it doesn't stop there...
Cause about week 18 in this deal, my stomach decided that all food that I eat must first stay in my esophagus and burn continuously before it is digested. So, now whenever I eat, whatever I eat, my dessert is always two-four (depending on the severity of the burning) berry-flavored tums... yum! But!! It helps and that is all that matters! You only have to stay awake for an hour trying to go to sleep swallowing indigestion before you go get you some berry-flavored Tums! PS. thank you sister for introducing me to the berry-flavored ones, they taste much better than the normal ones:). So now, I take prenatals, iron, extra fiber something, and Tums, lots of Tums...
There are other things too, almost every night since this journey began I have been waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The baby sits low, very low. So low, it fooled the doctor one time when we were trying to find the heart beat! So, the baby had control over my bladder, yep I said that right, the BABY has control over MY bladder! Don't believe me? One little repositioning of that cute little sucker and I feel like I have to go like there is no tomorrow, only to then rush to the nearest bathroom (and if you go to our church, you know that that is not small feat) just to sit there and almost nothing come out... Nice little one, good trick you play on mom... And because this is a public blog, and I might have a male read this (doubt it, but there is a possibility), I like to keep things classy, but if you have any questions about boobs, well, lets just say I have a lot to tell you, its quite cool/unreal what happens to these suckers... But I haven't gotten to the best part yet...
This little thing inside of me moves!!! I mean, it moves like crazy! Once again, just like his/her father! So precious to be sitting watching tv or relaxing during the day and feel weird little movements inside that are not coming from my own personal organs. But from another little life that I get to carry. Still trying to convince my brain it is not gas, cause that is what it kind of feels like, so sometimes when little one start to move my body thinks I should go to the bathroom. It's all a bunch of mind games!
So, there you have it, I did not and have not felt sick at all this entire time. I have to take iron or else I sleep all the time and am super tired, my intake of fiber has increased 500%, my belly button hurts, I have no bladder control due to my child sitting on it :), and the best parts of my days are feeling this little one move inside of me. That is how I really feel about pregnancy. Oh yeah, and I still can't believe I am pregnant, writing a blog about pregnancy. Its pretty crazy/cool.
Hope this lets you in on my life as it is right now, I'll keep you posted if there are any major changes in the third trimester:)
LA
Feel free to tell me if you like or dislike (but be nice:)).
So, a lot of people have been asking me lately how I am feeling. I guess because pregnancy is so individual for so many people it is different for everyone. So, when I really have nothing to say that is crazy different about it, most people seem happy cause that means I am not feeling nauseous or puking.. well, I'll get to that, but I do have a lot to say about this thing called pregnancy. So, I hope this is helpful for all kinds of people, or maybe not at all, who knows?
Let me first start off by saying, everyday of my life I am totally shocked that I am having a baby. I know that most of you know that this was a planned pregnancy, its not like I wasn't going for gold or anything, I just really can't believe there was success, and for more than one reason, but the main reason being, I can't really believe that God put the OK on me and Tim to have kids, its kind of crazy! Now, if you ask Tim, he would say that we are totally a good couple to have kids, which I agree with him, but... Sometimes I do wonder about us. I consider it a huge honor to be here, seriously, being a parent is probably the hardest thing I will ever do in my life, and I've done some hard things (for me, mind you:)) Tim and I were actually on the beach last night, having communion on the sand with our church after some beach Baptisms, and Tim started thanking the Lord for our baby. And my only thought was..."Holy crap, I can't believe we are thanking God for a baby, we are going to have a baby!!!!" I know, I should really be wrapping my head around this idea, but once again, I never thought I would ever get married, much less have a baby, really, so the fact that we are here right now, and I'm only 25, it's pretty incredible. And I am totally blessed.
How do I feel? At its worst, my pregnancy has been uncomfortable. Some people might be hating me for this, but hey, if you haven't had kids yet, then this might be encouraging. I kid you not, there was no morning sickness, no nausea, no nothing. I kept asking the doctors and my poor mother, are you sure I'm pregnant? Because for the first 12 weeks, I had nothing to go on, other than a positive pregnancy test. It was kind of scary, but I was really thankful for no vomiting, cause, in my lifetime, I have gotten sick a lot and have vomited a lot more than a normal person should, mainly due to the fact that I can catch stomach flu from a mile away. Seriously. I am really susceptible to that stuff. And if you don't believe me, look at the Christmas card my mom sent out last year, everyone looking nice and refreshed, and I look a little busted and mad that we are taking this picture? Its cause I was throwing up everything in my stomach from the previous night... Merry Christmas... moving on...
So, I am thankful for no nausea and vomiting, but what else has been new with this? I didn't even know my belly button could stretch the way it has, and it is only half way there. It already freaks me out. I used to have this beautifully cute inny.. and now... it just looks like a huge circle with a bump on my stomach. And when those muscles are stretching as they grow... forget it. The only way I can handle that is by pushing in on my belly button. I do not like that thing messed with in the first place, and all this pregnancy has done is mess with my belly button! It's like pregnancy knows how to make you uncomfortable in your least favorite ways... Then there's the fact that I have never been anemic (its like a blood thing, google it:)) my whole life, and now this child, that I love and can't wait to meet, has sucked all of my iron out of me... and now I must take supplements of iron! So when you are pregnant, not only must you take prenatals, but now my iron pills, and then because iron causes constipation, I must make sure I am getting an over amount of fiber in my diet...and it doesn't stop there...
Cause about week 18 in this deal, my stomach decided that all food that I eat must first stay in my esophagus and burn continuously before it is digested. So, now whenever I eat, whatever I eat, my dessert is always two-four (depending on the severity of the burning) berry-flavored tums... yum! But!! It helps and that is all that matters! You only have to stay awake for an hour trying to go to sleep swallowing indigestion before you go get you some berry-flavored Tums! PS. thank you sister for introducing me to the berry-flavored ones, they taste much better than the normal ones:). So now, I take prenatals, iron, extra fiber something, and Tums, lots of Tums...
There are other things too, almost every night since this journey began I have been waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The baby sits low, very low. So low, it fooled the doctor one time when we were trying to find the heart beat! So, the baby had control over my bladder, yep I said that right, the BABY has control over MY bladder! Don't believe me? One little repositioning of that cute little sucker and I feel like I have to go like there is no tomorrow, only to then rush to the nearest bathroom (and if you go to our church, you know that that is not small feat) just to sit there and almost nothing come out... Nice little one, good trick you play on mom... And because this is a public blog, and I might have a male read this (doubt it, but there is a possibility), I like to keep things classy, but if you have any questions about boobs, well, lets just say I have a lot to tell you, its quite cool/unreal what happens to these suckers... But I haven't gotten to the best part yet...
This little thing inside of me moves!!! I mean, it moves like crazy! Once again, just like his/her father! So precious to be sitting watching tv or relaxing during the day and feel weird little movements inside that are not coming from my own personal organs. But from another little life that I get to carry. Still trying to convince my brain it is not gas, cause that is what it kind of feels like, so sometimes when little one start to move my body thinks I should go to the bathroom. It's all a bunch of mind games!
So, there you have it, I did not and have not felt sick at all this entire time. I have to take iron or else I sleep all the time and am super tired, my intake of fiber has increased 500%, my belly button hurts, I have no bladder control due to my child sitting on it :), and the best parts of my days are feeling this little one move inside of me. That is how I really feel about pregnancy. Oh yeah, and I still can't believe I am pregnant, writing a blog about pregnancy. Its pretty crazy/cool.
Hope this lets you in on my life as it is right now, I'll keep you posted if there are any major changes in the third trimester:)
LA
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Oh, Mother!
This is the picture of the girls in my family. My Immediate family. I have a picture of all the girls on my mom's side of the family, however, I need my cousin to upload the pictures on something other than facebook, long story. Anyway, for those who know me very well, you know that I love, adore my family. I think the world of all of them, and I may, at times talk about all of them like super women. My grandmother married my grandfather at a young age, and was called out by God to start a godly family. Which began a legacy of strong Chrisitan families. She is truly a Matriarch. My mom and Aunt's are amazing Matriarch's in training. And I could go on out my sisters and "cousins' however, we all view each other as sisters, cousins just does not describe the relationship we have with each other. But since Sunday is mother's day, this one is for you Mama!
There are a million reasons why my mom is amazing. One being she had four children, my older sister being ten years older than my younger brother. So, basically, my mom had kids for ten years. That is so awesome, kind of wears me out thinking about it! I also admire my mom because, without getting any formal education, we has been able to achieve, and quite successfully a lot of things in her life that most people say you can't do without a college education. Seriously, when I start to think and give myself excuses about why I can't do something or how I'm not qualified, I just think about my mom, and all she has done with her life, she never made excuses for herself, if she wants to get something done, then she will.
I also admire my mom because she didn't just raise her children to go to church. That's kind of easy, I know a lot of people that know how to get to a church on Sunday. But she raised her children to live pure lives, to love God and have a relationship with Him, and desire to live a life glorifying to Him. I mean, I know I have messed up in my life, and I've done some pretty stupid things. But what got me through my tough rebelious times in life was first my relationship with the Lord and just listening to Him loving call me back to His arms into His will, but also my family challenging my decisions and calling me out on my walk. My mom did that to me a lot, and I kind of did not like her for it a lot, but I'm glad she did, she was my spiritual thermometer and I appreciate that more now than ever.
My mom is also amazing because she never gave up on mine and her relationship. You don't know this either, but for most of my life, communication was just not our thing. At all, I mean, we would get into fights and then realize we were saying the same thing. I don't know, all I can say is that when I looked at my mom and sister and saw how they related to each other, I wondered why me and mom couldn't be like that. But she never gave up. She would take me on shopping trips, she drove me to everywhere in the world (mainly for cheerleading), she would come into my room at any time to try to talk to me (have to say, most of the time I was not feeling that!). But she did not give up! Every chance she had to be alone with me and see what's going on, she did. And trust me, because of cheerleading there were SO many times we were in the car together! And she supported me in everything. I mean, I did cheerleading, its quite foreign to a a family who follows my brother's baseball, football, and basketball games. But she was there! (and if she couldn't be, she would send my brother-in-law to watch, shout out to Joey for being at all of my freshmen games!!) I mean, talk about A for effort! Did it pay off for my mother? You tell me...
She is one of my best friends, I miss her like crazy, all the time. I call her on Wed's and we get to catch up on life mid-way through the week. She tells me not to freak out about being a mother, she says I'll do great (were all at least hopeful for now:)) We love shoe shopping together, and I do have to say I have found some awesome shoes for her! One day, (I think it happened when my brain fully developed:)) things just clicked with us. Years of trying and effort paid off. Me and mom talk openly and honestly with each other, with consideration for each others feelings and we let each other just be. I don't know when, how, why, but it happened, and I'm so thankful. No we don't see eye to eye on every issue, but that is ok, because I have a deep respect for my mother, and she respects me too.
Here's to you Momma, I love you, and I thank you for my life, and most importantly never giving up on finding that relationship with a different kind of daughter. :)
Monday, May 2, 2011
(Life) Lessons Learned
I got to take a long walk today. I live across the street from this amazingly beautiful natural lake, but you can't walk all the way around it, but the short section of our street that is by it, I save it for last. Its a reward for walking as much as I do, because when you round the bend and get a hit of the cool breeze blowing off the lake, and you get to gaze upon this gorgeous lake, you would understand why I save it for last... So I love my long walks because I get to do a lot of thinking and talking to God, and just pondering. And the things I pondered I thought I would tell you about. Things that I am learning. In life. And what to do with these things? Application is the key to all knowledge, it's Wisdom. So, here are some things that this Christian, mother-to-be, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and human is learning: (And in keeping with the Rule of Threes, or any good Baptist sermon, I have three main bullets, so I promise it won't be too long:))
1. Gratitude
My sister gave me a book about gratitude. I love it, unfortunately, I can't read it anymore (don't worry Jenn, I will pick it up again:)) because I feel so convicted about my ingratitude. Gratitude is a beautiful gift God gives us. It helps us to focus on the Lord and His Grace and Love, it prompts us to Thanksgiving, and it is fundamental to the Christian walk. Gratitude is the first thing we try to teach our children. It's not just about manners (although, being polite is apart of good character, I think...) It's about helping the children recognize that when they are given a gift, to acknowledge that Gift, and the Giver. If we were to do a pie graph of my prayers and make a slice for my portion that are prayers of Thanksgiving to God, and the portion that are requests to God, well, you would think that I missed out on my lesson of Gratitude. I get SO stressed out in my life focusing on things that I do not have or things I want, I very rarely look around at all that I am blessed with and just breath in and breath out a sigh of Thanksgiving and Praise. But I can tell you, that when I do, when I focus on the God of all creation and His many good and perfect gifts... I am in perfect peace. Mainly because I know at that moment, I am aligning myself with the Will of God, and that is to bring Him Glory and Praise... and it feels so good.
My application: As I round my final curve of my walk and see the Glorious lake singing the praises of the Most High. I join with it for a couple of moments... in perfect peace, being the creation I was meant to be.... Until my dog starts pulling at my leash, which leads me to my next point...
2. Trade-offs
What is a trade-off? If you paid attention in government class when you were in high school, you would have learned that, government happens because people are willing to "trade off" a certain amount of freedom to the government so that the government, in return will protect the people. What?... Sorry, ok, for every decision that we make in life, we give up or post-pone certain things to attain another. For instance, I married my wonderful husband at a fairly young age. Because I did, I guess you could say I "gave up" or "delayed" certain things that I would like to do in life. I won't be visiting Europe anytime soon, I can't do as many "girls night outs" as I used to, I mean, I gave up my freedom as a single person very early. But!!! I gained a partner, husband, (lover...) someone that when I do get to do fun things, I can spend that time with HIM!! Which, when I do get to do fun things, I feel twice as fulfilled. Riley would be my next example, about two years ago, I was lonely at home and wanted a playmate (or a baby, either would do...) and so we went out and adopted Riley! I love my puppy, but getting a puppy means I am vacuuming hair balls, making sure he is exercised, spending money on dog food, and we can't just hop in the car for trips anymore, cause we have to think about the poor puppy spending the day in his pin... We gained so much in such a cute dog, but we also gave up some freedoms as well. So what do I learn from trade-offs??
(Application) Contentment. Being grateful for the things that I gain in my decisions, and focusing on how those things affect my life for the better, rather than focusing on the things that I gave up. What good would it be for me to try to think about my life, if only I had not taken out college loans? Well, I didn't, so let me focus on how those college loans were a way (I would suggest, though, finding another way to fund your education:)) to get a college education so that I could have worked the job that I did for two years which blessed me tremendously. Being content here in Orlando, instead of closing my heart to the good things that are here to offer...When I am content I let go of control... which leads me to my final lesson...
2. I am a CONTROL FREAK...
We probably all are in some way, but I am a huge one. Worse, I am a subtle control freak (otherwise known as a manipulator). It is awful. If you would let me, I would tell you what to wear (Bright colors, fun skirts and dresses, but keep it classy) I would tell you what shoes to wear (high heals). I would tell you where to live (next to me). I would tell you how to decorate your house (color! lots of it!). Probably the only thing I would not tell you what do to is how to cut your hair, cause I still can't figure out how mine should be cut, but give me some time and a celebrity magazine and I will find a haircut you should have...seriously its bad. I think I mean well, but I don't think you should be married to me. And poor husband, he is! He has had to deal with me for 5 years now (for those trying to do the math, I am counting when we first started dating, because yes, I started on Tim then...) I have been hinting, poking, prodding, "suggesting" that my poor man wear this, say that, do this, buy that, go here... I mean, I was just sitting on the airplane this morning almost in tears thinking about how much stress this man deals with, and then he has to come home with ME trying to have my way with him ALL THE TIME... I mean, I have good intentions, but you know what they say about those... And then, I worry. All the time. Do you know what I worry about? Everything that I cannot control. That makes up 99.9% of my life. Cause if you think about it, I can't even control if my hair stays in my head, that falls out whether or not I want it to! I can't even control the beautiful life that is growing inside of me! This child has done and will do as God pleases it, since conception, even I have no control over the very conception of my child!! (its not really my child either, this is God's child, that He has so graciously let me carry for now, but that's another lesson, and I will get to that later, maybe...) I am not even sure if I have control over the words that I type... all is given and can be taken away from us in an instant. Don't believe me? Ask those living in Alabama, N. GA, Tennessee and elsewhere in the country. Ask Japan. Ask Haiti. They don't even have control over the very piece of dirt their feet stand on. And yet, I choose to believe I have some say in something...What do I do???
Application: I was once told that recognizing you have a problem is the first step in recovery. I am a recovering control freak, and just like an alcoholic is always recovering from alcoholism (its a true fact, I double checked with AA) I probably will always be tempted to take control of my life (is that really possible?) and run with it. Today I prayed that God would move the knowledge that He is our sole Provider from my head to my heart, and that knowledge that He is good and Loves me will move from my head to my heart. Every time I start to worry about things, I pray that. And to show you how bad I am, I prayed that like almost 10 times in just my 1hr long walk. I'll probably have to pray it a lot tomorrow, and throughout my life. Maybe that is why the Bible says to Pray without ceasing. I guess that's what it means for me...
So, in closing, Expressing my Gratitude, Focusing on contentment and the good results of my decisions, and Praying without ceasing. I feel like those are a lot to learn and I have so many other things I need to learn before my beautiful child takes his/her first breath. Practice makes perfect, and I look forward to more lessons...
LA
1. Gratitude
My sister gave me a book about gratitude. I love it, unfortunately, I can't read it anymore (don't worry Jenn, I will pick it up again:)) because I feel so convicted about my ingratitude. Gratitude is a beautiful gift God gives us. It helps us to focus on the Lord and His Grace and Love, it prompts us to Thanksgiving, and it is fundamental to the Christian walk. Gratitude is the first thing we try to teach our children. It's not just about manners (although, being polite is apart of good character, I think...) It's about helping the children recognize that when they are given a gift, to acknowledge that Gift, and the Giver. If we were to do a pie graph of my prayers and make a slice for my portion that are prayers of Thanksgiving to God, and the portion that are requests to God, well, you would think that I missed out on my lesson of Gratitude. I get SO stressed out in my life focusing on things that I do not have or things I want, I very rarely look around at all that I am blessed with and just breath in and breath out a sigh of Thanksgiving and Praise. But I can tell you, that when I do, when I focus on the God of all creation and His many good and perfect gifts... I am in perfect peace. Mainly because I know at that moment, I am aligning myself with the Will of God, and that is to bring Him Glory and Praise... and it feels so good.
My application: As I round my final curve of my walk and see the Glorious lake singing the praises of the Most High. I join with it for a couple of moments... in perfect peace, being the creation I was meant to be.... Until my dog starts pulling at my leash, which leads me to my next point...
2. Trade-offs
What is a trade-off? If you paid attention in government class when you were in high school, you would have learned that, government happens because people are willing to "trade off" a certain amount of freedom to the government so that the government, in return will protect the people. What?... Sorry, ok, for every decision that we make in life, we give up or post-pone certain things to attain another. For instance, I married my wonderful husband at a fairly young age. Because I did, I guess you could say I "gave up" or "delayed" certain things that I would like to do in life. I won't be visiting Europe anytime soon, I can't do as many "girls night outs" as I used to, I mean, I gave up my freedom as a single person very early. But!!! I gained a partner, husband, (lover...) someone that when I do get to do fun things, I can spend that time with HIM!! Which, when I do get to do fun things, I feel twice as fulfilled. Riley would be my next example, about two years ago, I was lonely at home and wanted a playmate (or a baby, either would do...) and so we went out and adopted Riley! I love my puppy, but getting a puppy means I am vacuuming hair balls, making sure he is exercised, spending money on dog food, and we can't just hop in the car for trips anymore, cause we have to think about the poor puppy spending the day in his pin... We gained so much in such a cute dog, but we also gave up some freedoms as well. So what do I learn from trade-offs??
(Application) Contentment. Being grateful for the things that I gain in my decisions, and focusing on how those things affect my life for the better, rather than focusing on the things that I gave up. What good would it be for me to try to think about my life, if only I had not taken out college loans? Well, I didn't, so let me focus on how those college loans were a way (I would suggest, though, finding another way to fund your education:)) to get a college education so that I could have worked the job that I did for two years which blessed me tremendously. Being content here in Orlando, instead of closing my heart to the good things that are here to offer...When I am content I let go of control... which leads me to my final lesson...
2. I am a CONTROL FREAK...
We probably all are in some way, but I am a huge one. Worse, I am a subtle control freak (otherwise known as a manipulator). It is awful. If you would let me, I would tell you what to wear (Bright colors, fun skirts and dresses, but keep it classy) I would tell you what shoes to wear (high heals). I would tell you where to live (next to me). I would tell you how to decorate your house (color! lots of it!). Probably the only thing I would not tell you what do to is how to cut your hair, cause I still can't figure out how mine should be cut, but give me some time and a celebrity magazine and I will find a haircut you should have...seriously its bad. I think I mean well, but I don't think you should be married to me. And poor husband, he is! He has had to deal with me for 5 years now (for those trying to do the math, I am counting when we first started dating, because yes, I started on Tim then...) I have been hinting, poking, prodding, "suggesting" that my poor man wear this, say that, do this, buy that, go here... I mean, I was just sitting on the airplane this morning almost in tears thinking about how much stress this man deals with, and then he has to come home with ME trying to have my way with him ALL THE TIME... I mean, I have good intentions, but you know what they say about those... And then, I worry. All the time. Do you know what I worry about? Everything that I cannot control. That makes up 99.9% of my life. Cause if you think about it, I can't even control if my hair stays in my head, that falls out whether or not I want it to! I can't even control the beautiful life that is growing inside of me! This child has done and will do as God pleases it, since conception, even I have no control over the very conception of my child!! (its not really my child either, this is God's child, that He has so graciously let me carry for now, but that's another lesson, and I will get to that later, maybe...) I am not even sure if I have control over the words that I type... all is given and can be taken away from us in an instant. Don't believe me? Ask those living in Alabama, N. GA, Tennessee and elsewhere in the country. Ask Japan. Ask Haiti. They don't even have control over the very piece of dirt their feet stand on. And yet, I choose to believe I have some say in something...What do I do???
Application: I was once told that recognizing you have a problem is the first step in recovery. I am a recovering control freak, and just like an alcoholic is always recovering from alcoholism (its a true fact, I double checked with AA) I probably will always be tempted to take control of my life (is that really possible?) and run with it. Today I prayed that God would move the knowledge that He is our sole Provider from my head to my heart, and that knowledge that He is good and Loves me will move from my head to my heart. Every time I start to worry about things, I pray that. And to show you how bad I am, I prayed that like almost 10 times in just my 1hr long walk. I'll probably have to pray it a lot tomorrow, and throughout my life. Maybe that is why the Bible says to Pray without ceasing. I guess that's what it means for me...
So, in closing, Expressing my Gratitude, Focusing on contentment and the good results of my decisions, and Praying without ceasing. I feel like those are a lot to learn and I have so many other things I need to learn before my beautiful child takes his/her first breath. Practice makes perfect, and I look forward to more lessons...
LA
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