The Things I Do for Christmas Spirit...

I'm kind of starting a tradition for myself that I don't much like... Let me explain. You see I haven't found that one great thing in my life that I am really, really, really good at. I mean, I can't really pinpoint that one thing that when you're talking to someone you're like, "Oh yeah, you need help with that? Go to LaurieAnn, she'll help you, she's amazing at it..." And that's ok, I'm young, I have lots of life (Lord willing) ahead of me, I feel like if I keep at it, I'll find it.

But anyway, so I do know one thing I am good at, it's not really a skill, it's more like, just who I am. I will try anything once. So, for the past Christmas's, I have been trying my hand at different crafty, domestic type things to do at Christmas time. I feel as a wife, I should try to do something to make the season bright in the Harper household...

So, the first Christmas, I decided I was going to make my own Christmas cards. So I spent, a bizillion dollars at a Stamp-Up party, chose what looked like the easiest card I could figure out to do and made a grand total of I think like 20-30 cards, which wasn't even half of the people on our Christmas list... to top it all off, people were more impressed with Tim's Christmas poem than my card, and most everyone thought my sister (who did these kind of cards a lot and is really good at it) made the cards. While I was super flattered that people thought the cards were so good Jennifer did them, these cards mostly just stressed me out..The next Christmas after that I believe we flew up to Georgia and surprised my whole family by being there on Christmas Eve and for Christmas. Hahaha... good times, that was stressful cause I had to lie to my mother for a week, and I think she even cried one time on the phone, so, while I loved surprising my family, the weeks before hand were hard and also I was a nervous wreck until the plane touched its wheels down on GA asphalt. Then there is last year... last year I baked all cookies known to our family for Christmas. The crescent cookies, the ones with the jelly in the middle of them, chocolate chip cookies, and mom showed me how to make fudge... I felt like I was baking forever. And I felt like I used all the butter in Florida. Now, making cookies was fun, but I also gained about what felt like 100 lbs between eating the cookie dough and eating the cookies that did not make it in tins to friends:). Which brings us to this year...

I decided no crazy baking since I'm trying to drop about four pants sizes and eating cookie batter won't help:) (but it would make me happy). One day, Tim mentioned that he wanted a wreath for the door and he wanted to buy one. Well, that was just not going to happen, no way, I was going to make a wreath! So, I found some pictures in a magazine with some directions, and I thought I picked one of the easier wreaths, skill wise... well, it might have been easy skill wise, but not so much time wise. So here is what it looked like while I was putting together all 100 pieces of this wreath:



Do you see those little rosettes in the picture? Yes, I had to make over 100 of them. That means I cut over one hundred circles in felt, and then I rolled over 100 rosettes. By the time I was on the 5th rosette I was starting to wonder what I got myself into. But after three days of toiling here is what I got:



Not too shabby. But I really can't say that wreath making is my thing either. I really can't say I enjoyed the process nor do I want to go and make a wreath for every holiday. Especially a rosette wreath. So, I tried it! Another thing on my list I can say I have done and have some experience in doing, just not that thing I'm great at! I wonder what stressful thing I will do next year in my search for making Christmas in the house? Ha! We'll find out next year I guess.

And for your enjoyment...

What Matters Most...

Many of you may not know this, and maybe some do, but... I'm a people pleaser... scratch that, a recovering people pleaser. I've been working on it for quite some time now because for some reason I can't please EVERYONE in the whole world. I just can't do it. So, what I've done to cope is pick a couple of people that I want to please more than others, mostly family and close friends, and then and only then, I give myself permission to not please them all the time either. I'll let you know how this turns out...

So, is it a big surprise to anyone that I really really really want my daughter to like me???? Kind of weird right? I mean, she's literally a baby. She's two months old, cries, poops, eats and sleeps. Most times in that order. But I mean, she can smile now, and there is just something about when a baby smiles at you, and then there's even more something about when your daughter smiles at you. But anyway, I digress. All this to say, I have been struggling with what to do when she cries. There are two theories of thought when a baby cries: one being, do not rush to them, let them cry it out for a bit, you don't want to spoil them. The other being: children are so small (remember, we are talking about a 2 month old here) you can not spoil them this tiny, pick the child up and figure out why they are crying and comfort them.

I have been struggling with this because, there have been people in my life, who I love and respect that have warned me not to spoil Karis and not to rush to her every time she cries. And I respected that advise, and I have tried not to rush to her. And I tried for like a day to have her put herself to sleep and it all just... did not sit right with me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I kept thinking, "Well, you don't want to spoil her... But she's a baby?!? If she cries and I don't come and see what's wrong, how will she know to trust me, that I'm going to be there for her?" And the argument would go back and forth in my mind... So what does a person do when they need lots of opinions on a very controversial issue? I went to the internet to a baby forum. And there are lots of traditional and non-traditional people trashing each other's baby-raising techniques, which you should never do, unless you know a person abusing their child, then, you should get help for the kids... But anyway, one person put up some really freeing advise for me which basically said: Your child will grow up one day and soon enough will be so independent that they will put themselves to sleep and not need you for that, so cherish the time you have with the child...

So freeing, I say that with a sigh of relief. Because, and you might not know this, my love language is touch. I LOVE holding Karis, I love rocking Karis, I love watching her fall asleep, I love picking her up, and tickling her toes and kissing those darn cute pudgy cheeks! I love all of it. Even when she's crying/whaling in my face, I love it. Admittedly accept when I'm tired, but I'm working on it:). So, I guess you could say I want to spoil my daughter. I want to rock her, and pick her up when she cries, and I want her to know that her mommy will be there for her, even if I can't do a thing to help her, I'll rock her as she cries herself to sleep.

And I'll do it as often as I can cause one day, I'll be watching tv and she'll tell me goodnight and then go climb into bed and I won't have to do a thing. And I know that I won't be thinking, "Man, I am SO glad I taught her how to not need me at a young age." No, my personality is going to long for every second of this baby's life that I got to rock her and hold her, and sing (possibly off key) to her.

So today, Karis is tired and she's crying cause she can't do anything else, and I'm dancing to my Just Dance on the Wii. And I realize that she's not going to be working through this cry, so all hot and sweaty I pick my little peanut up and take her to the rocker and speak sweet nothings and prayers over her as she just cries to sleep. And then she closes her eyes... and she's at peace... and then she opens her eyes and smiles at me... and then I'm done. Maybe my daughter will be spoiled a bit longer than others, and maybe you disapprove of me picking her up all the time, but that's ok. I can't please everyone's opinions about what I should do as a mother.

Cause what really matters was looking into my daughters eyes and having her know that her momma will hold her even if I can't do a thing for her, i'll be the one to rock her as she goes:).

Look forward to telling you more of my silly learning mistakes and milestones as I go along!

A Baby Story

So, as I have a few moments to type on the computer, I have decided that the hormones have leveled off enough and I have just enough time before she needs to eat to tell you about the day Karis was born:). Yeah!:)

So, it really all started on Wednesday that I decided I wanted to walk around a giant super target and look at EVERYTHING for almost an hour, it was so much fun that I started to contract... And hence the rest of the night I went back and forth with, "Was that a contraction? It didn't hurt... Lets just see if it happens again... Well, it did happen again, but it's still not hurting... Is it a Braxton Hicks contraction??? Wait... that hurt! a little..." That happened for like all of Wednesday night. I thought about taking a shower, but I have known too many people who took showers and the contractions stopped, and I was bound and determined to get this ball rolling, so... I decided to continue down this path stinky.

Around 11:30 on Wednesday night I started timing the contractions. They started out 15 minutes apart and then went down to 10 minutes, held there for awhile, then went down to five. By 2:30 in the morning when they were steadily at 5 minutes, I took a deep breath and woke up Tim. Now, for those of you who do not know Tim, he's like probably most of the population and that he is not perfect when you wake him up from a deep sleep. I can personally say, he is working on it. At 2:30 though, Tim informed me that this was not apart of his plan to for me to give birth so early in the morning and that we need to continue to time the contractions, and then we went back to sleep... Now, I know that this may seem insensitive, but in hindsight I'm actually grateful that he made me continue timing them because had we gone to the hospital so soon, I probably would have been turned away in triage, which was my WORST nightmare. So, I sat on my exercise ball, and watched TV shows on hulu and timed my contractions on my Iphone.

I had been texting my mom since 11:30, and she would check in with me like every hour, and finally around 6:00 she said she couldn't take it and was packing her bag to come to Florida, with my dad and sister... No pressure, really... now I just have to make sure I pop out a baby in the next 24 hours... Easily done, right?

At six, Tim woke up and we went for a loooooooooooong walk around our neighborhood where I was able to get the contractions down to three minutes apart. When we got home, Tim packed the car for what seemed like a million years, it wasn't but when you want to go to the hospital, a minute does seem like a thousand years. I called my doctor and told them what was up and they green- lighted me to go to the hospital. It was go time...

Until we got into the hospital, I went to triage, filled out forms then was laying on the bed, and my contractions STOPPED dead in their tracks. And the triage nurse checked me and I was only 3cm dilated. It's technically the hospital's policy to make you go home until you reach 4cm's. So, needless to say I was unhappy and praying my head off for some big contractions. (p.s. if you have not had a baby, I do not recommend you EVER praying to God to send you big contractions unless you really, really, really, want them) God answered my prayer. They came back in a big way in the Triage, and my wonderful, beautiful, amazing midwife, Andrea, came in looked me in the eye and said, "You are going to have your baby today!" Love, love, love those words! So, then we preceded to wait for what seemed like a millions more years for a room in Labor and Delivery to open. It really is kind of a weird feeling just sitting around, breathing through contractions waiting for a room to have your baby.

So, we get in Labor and Delivery and it feels like I have to tell like a million people that yes, in fact, I DO want an epidural. I mean, I understand policy, I was a case manager, I understand having to ask dumb questions a million times because one time a person died and their family sued and so now you have to ask these questions. But seriously, I feel like I told EVERYONE that I wanted an epidural. But first, they broke my water. And Tim watched! And the look on his face was priceless, and he's like, "She's going to bleed more than this?" And Andrea's like, "You haven't seen anything yet." And then she tells Tim every hour to eat!! So funny!! I think she might have been scared for him after he looked at my water being broken:). So, contractions get for real serious after your water breaks. And then I'm like, yes, please, for the love of all things Holy, please please please, get me the epidural, and I will love everyone forever!! So, they come in and give me what I requested, it's called a walking epidural. It's like not as strong medicine and helps with the aches and pains of the stronger contractions. Cool thing about this is, if you decide you want the stronger stuff, the needle is already in there, so they just bring in the stronger medicine and your good to go. Which, by the time I was 6cm dilated, when I was having contractions my face was "turning purple" according to my mom and sister. I'll get to them showing up in the next paragraph. So, I asked for the stronger stuff... Let me tell you, nothing feels so good as feeling the coolness of numbness running down your spine while you are contracting. Thank you Lord for making people who found out about epidurals, I love them.

So, mom and sis and dad arrive when I'm around 5cm's dilated. It was so good to see them, but so not good to know they had 4Rivers bar-b-q for lunch, and that I could not eat until much later after giving birth. Mom and my sister stayed with me up until my first practice push. It was very reassuring to have them in the room. Having them encourage me, give me helpful tips, and even my mom telling me that I was shaking from my epidural, which I could not figure out why I was shaking... So glad that they were both there. Because between me and all you on the internet, I was kind of freaking out that I was about to have a baby.

Finally, at about 5:30, Andrea comes in and checks me. She says, "I'm coming back in thirty minutes, and we are going to have this baby..." So, she comes back in thirty minutes, and I am moved into the birthing position and given an oxygen mask. Tim has to hold one of my legs, and we start to push. It was not very long, but it just felt like I was pushing for no reason, they kept telling me I was doing good, but I still felt this little girl in my body! Finally she got so low, that they were able to put a heart monitor on the top of her head, because she was too low to monitor my heart from the monitors that were on my belly. The new monitor had her heart sound like a door knock, which was strangely refreshing to hear while I was pushing. One scary moment happened as I had just finished pushing, and the "door knock" sound stopped. I looked up and Tim, who was looking at Andrea, who was looking at my contraction monitor. She said, "Wait for it.." And the "door knock" sound came back. Finally, the final pushes came, and I was SO excited, tired, relieved, scared... all of the above. (Side note, little one came out with her umbilical cord rapped around her head, which is why her heart stopped momentarily while coming through the birth canal). As she came out, and I heard her first cries, my heart literally burst. That is the only way I know how to describe how I felt the first time I heard and then saw her. Then comes the surprise... This entire time Tim and I could have sworn we were having a boy, I felt certain that we were having a boy... Tim looks up at me and says, "Meet our baby girl, Karis." Wow... I was not shocked then, I was in love as my beautiful girl curled up on my chest while they were getting the rest of the "stuff" out of me, and Tim was taking pictures like crazy. I just was in so much love. So beautiful to finally have the missing piece of the puzzle nuzzled right up under my chin. I was so nervous that she wouldn't respond to me, or love me like I loved her. But as I tried to calm her crying, she seemed to quiet at my voice. Makes me tear up thinking about it. And as soon as she was out and on me, they soon whisked her away to be cleaned, weighed, checked out, all that good stuff.

After she was taken out for a second, I just looked at Tim... We have a girl!! Oh goodness, we have a girl... That is all I was thinking for the most part. We are now considering owning a gun! jk, kind of...

So, there are so many more stories and thoughts I have one Karis, on being a mom, on hormones, and sleep, but there is no time, little girl is stirring and she does not like to wait for food. I just wanted you to be able to read this so I can hopefully have time in the future to write more about all my thoughts and feelings in this short time. Love you all...

Baby Math Part 1

I have not written in a long time because, well, writers block? Oh it's not like I haven't had some grand ideas in my mind that were just waiting to be put out there. It's that I have a lazy streak that if I let it, and I have, can go on for weeks. There, I said it, it is out there, I promise I will work it it:). Now, let me just tell you, I have less than 10 days until this child is supposed to come into the world. I might have more than that, because apparently, the child is already taken after his/her father, he/she does not like to move:). Not that little one is not moving, nope, there is a lot of that going on, it's just, not moving in the gravitational direction of out towards the world. I, in my desperate state of thinking and watching so many other women have there babies around me, keep having to remind myself what my mother told me one day: I will not be the first person ever to not have the baby. You would think that those words do not sound wise, but you get pregnant and then get to your 39th week and don't feel any contractions, and have very little dilation and see how you feel. Desperate is a good word:). But I'm fine, really, hence, I'm blogging!

But what I really want to talk about is not me or my emotions, those things are dangerous and tricky at this point in time. I want to talk to you about maybe one of the reasons why children cannot help but come into this world a little spoiled...

Its because of their parents, seriously.

I mean, Tim and I are no fortune five hundred people by any means, but the thought and preparation that took place for this child is insane. I mean, for me, at least, it began the second we moved into the house. We upgraded our living conditions for this little one. At least two large pieces of furniture were bought for this child (crib and rocker) we did not have to buy a dresser set because we already had one available, but I'm sure that would have been considered if we didn't have one and thanks to my sister a changing table was not a needed purchase, but we did repaint:).

So, so far, the child gets a new house, crib, and rocker... let's keep going.

Tim's car... lets just say that while I loved that car and was appreciative of all the miles that is faithful VW put into our relationship and subsequent marriage, it was by no means safe for a child to be in it, especially if it rained, and living in Florida, well... So, like we were some kind of contestants on the Oprah show, we got a new car! Well, new to us, and pretty new to the world as well:). But the baby just can't have a safe car, babies must be safe inside the safe new car. Hence we have a new stroller/carseat travel system. All for baby.

Once again: house, crib, rocker, car, car seat/ stroller, and finally...

I started to think about our camera situation. You see, as I have been able to have pleasure of watching everyone around me have a baby, I get to observe these things, like, there are a lot of pictures taken of this new little one. So, I think, well, we have a camera, we have not used it in forever but we have one. But further investigation proves that while our camera is fairly new (it was my wedding present from Tim:)) technology has out-done us again and while it is a good camera, Tim's cell phone is just at nice and has as many functions as our trusty family camera. In fact, we have not used the camera in probably over a year! We are really not picture people, that is sad, and should be remedied. I'm sure this little one will help with this;). Not being camera people, we opted for not as pricey or as complex of a camera that is out there, but we did step it up last night and got a more fancy smancy one that will take nice clear pictures of our new little addition. So, I would say the baby gets that one too...

For the last time: house, crib, rocker, car, car seat/ stroller, camera, and lets also not forget that I was thrown a total of two AMAZING showers, all of the gifts at which are not for me, but for the child... are we getting the drift here?

Do you know what Jesus got? He got a rented room in a cave and he slept where pigs eat their food...

I'm not saying any of the things that we got or prepared for for this little one are bad and that we should all be ashamed of ourselves for wanting to enjoy every second of new life. All I'm saying is that looking at it now, and thinking about the way the world is today, I need to start learning now how to dial down some of the baby math. Make sure that when the baby, who then turns into a toddler, who is raised into a child, knows what it is like to earn something and to be thankful and grateful for what has been given freely to him/her.

I'm spoiled too. Don't think the baby math is just for a baby. I could do "daddy's little girl" math or "bride to be" math, or "I'm an amazing wife" math, or my favorite while I was working "I work so hard and I'm SO stressed out" math. All apply. I just think that this keeps coming back in my mind and it's something to consider in my everyday life! Maybe you feel the same, or maybe you don't struggle with this math or have these issues. I do pray I am not the only one:). Can't wait to show you pic's of our new little one, hopefully that will not take as many weeks for me to blog about!!

Love you!

The Twilight Zone...

I know what your thinking..."She couldn't be"... "oh no she isn't"... "C'mon LaurieAnn..." But I am seriously referring and have often thought of this last trimester as the Twilight Zone. Mostly cause things are just off! Way off! And it could be because I now have a fully self-sufficient human being inside of my body, that moves... And not just the "Oh!, I think I felt something!" moves, but a human that when he/she stretches it's tiny little (probably getting a little scquinched in there) legs and feet, you can see the bump on my belly where the foot is sticking out. I am very thankful at this time, that the legs are not aimed at my ribs... yet...

But yes, I told you I would update you on my pregnancy if things have changed... and they have, big time. So let me get into it!

First of, hormones! Holy cow hormones, its not like I'm crying all the time, but the problem is, if I start to cry, I can't stop. And then I cry harder trying to tell myself that I am being stupid for crying. So, if I start to cray, the only way to get it to stop is if I just let myself have the good long cry to get it out of my system! Just wrong sometimes... And I am crying for stupid reasons. I teared up the other night when the realization hit that I was going to miss the Fall in GA... dumb tears, I'm not really that sad about it, probably just a short "whoa-is-me" moment, I'm super excited that I'm getting a baby in the Fall... I will miss the beautiful trees though...

There is a lot of swelling/sweating involved in the last trimester, at least with me. If the air is not down to somewhere between 60-70 degrees, you can bet that I am sweating up a storm! And all you want to do is stand in front of a fan and have it blow on you, just so much sweating, everywhere! And I now have cankles, large, water-filled cankles. I loved by dainty ankles, I loved how they narrowed right before my foot began. Not so much anymore, no, my now larger calves flow straight into the foot at the same diameter... its just so attractive.

Backache has become just apart of life. Even as I sit here, my lower back on the right side just feels like one huge knot. If I stand up that helps, but after awhile that hurts, so then I sit down, and well... that hurts more after five minutes. Sleeping helps the most, but you end up hurting sleeping as well, your just sleeping through the backache, cause when I wake up, which is often, there is all kinds of back, neck, arm joint popping that is going on. And I am slowly on track to getting the those cramps in my legs, drinking more water has become my mission in life, if only my husband would stop drink sweat tea in front of me!!

Speaking of waking up during sleeping...Wow! I already thought, that getting up once a night was going to be my MO. Not so, I'm averaging getting up twice a night, sometimes three times. A good night is now just getting up once for the bathroom. It boggles my mind at how much this is a necessity! Seems, the more this little one grows, the less room there is for my bladder and its contents. I'm starting to feel a little intruded on.:)

All that being said, I'm glad that I have a happy, healthy baby moving, a lot, inside of me. I know its happy, cause its gotta be, I mean, what more could you want inside your mom? He/she can be naked, stays at a nice warm temp all the time, is fed anytime its hungry, and can go to the bathroom and not wait for anyone to change its diapers! The good life indeed! The best way I can describe the frustration involved with this last trimester is sometimes you just want to pick up the bump and put it next to you so you can walk around with your back not hurting for a couple of minutes, but that's not feesable. So, I wait. Ten-eleven more weeks and we're golden.

Still nesting a bit as well, and I'll put up some pic's soon of the baby's room just as soon as we get our rocker in. Looking forward to a complete life-change, just need to get ready for it:)Hope you enjoyed!

LA

I went for a walk...

I wanted to write this blog while it was fresh... I feel that the emotion is raw and that it is just very real of what is all going through my mind right now... To preface, I'm coming off of a spectacular, crazy busy, and unbelievable weekend. I mean, we celebrated two babies with showers, in two days... c'mon, nuff said, right? But this morning, as I woke up very early to use the restroom for what seemed like the millionth time, I glanced over and saw my wonderful mother reading her Bible, and I looked outside and saw what kind of a morning it was, and God gently spoke and said, "I think it would be a good time for one of Our walks today, don't you think?" The invitation out there, I was not going to let that go, no matter how my flesh wanted to go to the computer and check facebook...

So, I scarfed down some cereal, talked with mom for a sec, made sure Tim knew I was going for a walk, got my cute little dachshund all excited as I slipped on her leash, and then we were out the door, cankles and all...

And I have to tell you, I cried. For a brief second if I closed my eyes as I was walking along my parent's neighborhood, I could pretend, that this little cute thing I'm walking was my dog, and this beautiful older, shady (as in lots of beautiful old trees, providing shade, not that bad type of shady...) neighborhood with is soft grasses and big lawns, was my neighborhood. You could let the cool mountain breeze blow over you and just ingest all the goodness. The faces of my beautiful family flashed before me and the faces of their children. The faces of the children yet to come... My friends, I'm not Miss Popular back here by any means, but the friends that I have here make me smile so much. And there is so much history together, makes me happy.

Please don't get me wrong. The second I found out that I was going to live in Florida, I was excited. I was engaged to Tim and while it was devastating to find out that I was not going to be engaged to my fiance in the same state, I was so excited about living in a new place for our newlywed stage. Marriage is SO hard sometimes, and all the times lots of work, and to be able to discover a new city together, I felt like a frontiers-woman. It was just me and Tim and we were going to make it together. And I still feel like that in Florida. Orlando was not a place I was horrified to end up at, I was thrilled and excited!

But when you come home... My heart longs to have my child be close to his/her cousins geographically speaking, to visit friends often, to go to Athens in the fall and see UGA games, to hike mountain trails in Dahlonega...Who would have thought that while I was riding the backroads of my life with the top down listening to country music, I was actually falling in love with this place?

And once again, do not get me wrong... I live in a beautiful neighborhood, or at least the closest thing I was felt to a neighborhood in Florida, I have a wonderful cute home that I just love, we have an amazing church, with an amazing LigeGroup, and wonderful friends who do not think twice about praying for us and helping us out in an instant, they are our family, and I depend on them for support probably much more than they think.

So, how do I reconcile my feelings? I wonder this right now... How does my heart long to walk in an old shady neighborhood, and yet feel the love and excitement of meeting new people and ministries in our current situation. I guess that's why I cried, I'm just torn right now. I may not be tomorrow, I'll probably be fine in an hour or so. Just know, if you ever feel this way when you go home to visit that its not unusual, its so normal. I don't know many stories in the Bible of people felt torn in this way, so I guess I'll have to go back to the Bible to reconcile these feelings, and as this always works, focus my life around God my Father and follow His Will. It really was a good walk, full of good things... And I'll leave you with my final thought that God spoke to me:

LaurieAnn, I lead you to Orlando, and I give you All good things... Therefore, Orlando is good and it accomplishes my Work...

Yes, Lord, as always, You are Right...

Gifted...

I am so excited about this post today! Excited and nervous. I hope it comes out right, I hope you get what I'm trying to say, or even better, I hope you get something from God, I mainly hope you just read the whole post;).

So, if you have read any of my previous posts from the past year, you know I am a shameless promoter of things. I mean, I had a whole post dedicated to David Crowder... And why shouldn't I? He's a pretty cool guy. A couple of months ago I basically begged you to by a Derek Webb CD, which, I still think you should...(jk, kind of...) Buy now, you should also know I am a huge music freak. I LOVE music. But today, I am not pushing music, nope, I'm telling you to go get a book... yep, put your reading glasses on.

Now, if you know me, I am not about to go give you a book report about this book. Cause really, honestly, I haven't read the whole thing yet. But I'm looking forward to it. Its a book called 1000 Gifts. I did not post a link, but if you google it, it is the first thing that pops up.

All I'm saying is that my beautiful sister gave me this book back in April. I had just come off of a small group study of Grace, and I was in this place where I wanted to know more about God's Grace, how much I need it in my life. How I Love God's Grace. I will continue to learn about it, I promise. So my sister gives me this book on Thankfulness, and here is my exact super-churchy, shamefully spiritually snobby thought about this wonderful gift she gave me, "Thankfulness? Didn't we learn this in kindergarten? I am so thankful for everything, this is going to be a breeze, thank you God, right, ok, well..." And I didn't have any of my other books on Grace yet, and I needed to read, so I shrugged my shoulders and read the book. (And if you are wondering, I did not say any of those things out-loud, THANK YOU Lord...) And boy, have I gotten my socks blown off.

I learned I am not a thankful person. I can literally spend hours in prayer, praying crying out, begging God for all kinds of things in my life. And no time thanking Him for a thing. Not one thing. And then I wonder why I still feel there are no miracles, no answered prayer. Why do I still feel heavy? But the author of this book makes a very good point. "Eucharisteo precedes the miracle." The author explains that Eucharisteo is a Greek word meaning "He gave thanks" by using two other Greek words Grace and Joy. Wow, Thanks, Grace, and Joy, what a combination to have! She then went to give the example how when Christ received the loaves and fish to feed the 5,000, He thanked God first. He was grateful for the miracle that was about to happen, because He trusted God. My prayers were never full of so much faith. Because when I ask, and ask, and ask, but have no faith in the one that I am asking from, what good are my prayers? I know that the Bible says for us to ask and seek and knock. But the Bible also says in James 1: But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. This verse has stung me for most of my life. But something has happened. And that something is thankfulness. Being sincerely thankful for everything I am praying for. Being thankful for the friends that I am praying for, thankful that God loves us and, He has brought us here so far, and He will continue to bring us along. That even when our lives don't turn out the way be thought, being thankful that God has done greater things in our lives. Being grateful for the very moments, seconds you are living. It slows time down. Try it. When you don't want a certain moment to end, start thanking God for all He is doing. I just tried that on a little trip with Tim. Instead of trying to make stuff happen and get him to open up to me on the beach we were at. I just started thanking God for everything thing in that moment. From the waves, the sunlight, the sand, to the beautiful husband that thought enough of our marriage to bring us on this trip to be with just us. Do you know what happened? A miracle. Tim took my hand and walked with me on the beach and told me all about what he was learning in the book He was reading. Oh, I wish you could hear my heart sing, it sounds a lot better than I do... Talk about Thanks, Grace, and Joy all in one moment.

My heart if full. A lot more than it was. Because I am learning to be so much more thankful than, "I am thankful for everything." And I am also trying a new thing. It's a bit extreme, I know, but bear with me. When I receive not so good news recently, I literally sat there and thanked God, and I refused to leave until my heart was truly grateful for the news I received. I did not want to leave this spot worrying, fearing, playing fake with the Lord. I was determined to sit there until I received the blessing of the news. And it happened. I looked up and saw the small birds, and God whispered, "See how they are so fat because how I have provided for them? I love you a lot more than them, trust me..." And I was able to enjoy the rest of the day, Thankful, for the blessing, the promise. It is a practice that I have been missing for most of my life. But I am so full. And so Grateful! What are our other options when hearing bad news? Worrying? Trying to make things out of our control under our control? Doesn't work, I tried, a lot to make my life bend to my will. It never happened. But, when you wake up one day and realize you are 25, going on four years of marriage to a great man, and expecting a beautiful bundle of joy too... I realized I am SO thankful that my life bent to the Most Holy than my ideas.

Please know I am new at this. There are people who have been handed news that is more mind-blowing than I have experienced. But I will tell you, I don't like being worried, I can't stand to feel out of control, and when I set my focus through the practice of Thankfulness, all of those worries wash away. My devotional today said this, "Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold." I would have never known what that would have meant if God had not used this book to teach me more about Himself. And I will also admit that Trust has not been my strong point in life, but through Thankfulness, I am learning to trust God. Somehow, those two are linked very closely. I am so tired of being fearful, you have no idea how fear has integrated itself into my life. A cage I was just used to living in. How Thankfulness has helped me, not just unlocked that cage, but broken it. I mean, I'm still traveling this road, but I'm so glad, grateful really:) to be on the road in the first place.

Hope you have enjoyed my Ebenezer. I certainly am!

LA